Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Goodbye Stan

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Oh... hello...

You know, the book of Job really would have been a more interesting read with Trogdor in it.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Not much happening... and by that I mean a lot is happening...

Sorry the blog has been dead. Probably will be for a bit more. I've noticed a few people still poking around so I'll try and whip ya folks up some funny down the road.

Till then...


Saturday, July 29, 2006


Q: You know what sucks more than a paper cut?

A: A cardboard cut.

Q: You know what sucks more than a cardboard cut?

A: A cardboard cut under your fingernail!

And thus... I have assembled the new carpet cleaner.


Geekdom really must be in the air.

Every time I sit down and hit a few keys I come across (old or new) something geektastic in the wild world of blogging.

So for those of you that need more of the Dark Night in your life. Just checked up on Archie Levine's blog and it looks like he's got a little something for ya!

Reading this... two questions arise.

1: Who would Osama be? Or Kim for that matter?

2: Though Archie don't live in the C of Ville, what ever happened to C-ville News' Blog Carnival? I miss not having to do all the legwork myself!


Awsum... toe-tally awsum!

Aw Keith... me and the opossums... we be a-swooned like spoon full of moony loony!

The world needs more 7 min. handclap solos... and songs about/featuring opossums.

Rock on man!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Speaking of old games...

The tale of the E.T. Atari game is a classic among gamers and 80s geeks alike, but for those that have not heard of what befell the Titanic of games, Steve Whitaker has a lesson for ya.

Blog Entry # 42!

I still have yet to master the art of leaping...

and missing the ground.

In the mean time...


Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Adventures In Stupid Advertising: Don't Think About Purple Elephants!

Anyone seen that Air Wick ad with the purple elephant that's married to a centipede?

Yeah... you see this is what must have happened to the writers of 70s/80s children's programming. They took too much acid and for some reason... now people believe it's ok to give them jobs writing ads for air fresheners.

I mean really... how do you sanctify that shit?

Lord knows I'm an open-minded guy... but elephant centipede whoopee... is kinda wild. That's the sort of shit that would make William S. Burroughs have to step out in the hall. Ya dig? Cray-a-zay... What kind of children do you get outta that? Is that where Salad Fingers comes from?

Are there adoption programs for that kind of union? I guess as long as they ain't gay it will fly in Virginia.

These are the kinds of important issues we need to talk about people! Hot wild elephante slinky action... I mean centipede action... although... hmmm... maybe I should write a crazy drug novel with some wild slinky sex to shock the censors... yeah... what do you think of that Mr. Lee? HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM MAGGOTS?!?!?

Seriously though. What do elephants and centipedes have to do with air fresheners? I mean I get it: centipedes have a lot of feet for lots of stankay shoes... and elephants have big noses... but why married? And where can I get a centipede THAT BIG? The pet store tried to sell me a millipede the size of my fuck you finger (cuz what's the deal with "middle" finger? Every other finger has a real name! So what? The taxi finger not good enough to have a REAL name? The viva New York finger not posh enough for you.... You... finger namers!!! (Better than "Pinky" I guess)), but I after I found out it sweat cyanide when it's frightened I decided that wasn't the more laid back kinda pet I was looking for. I mean when were they going to tell me it sweat cyanide? And why can't I sweat cyanide? Are there certain fruits and veggies I need to eat? If I eat those chaps from Veggie Tales... then can I sweat cyanide? I could sick the opossums on them... yes... my babies... I mean I really want to sweat cyanide! I mean... that would be badass! That and cry blood like those horny toad things I saw on the discovery channel at 2AM when I was a wee lass... I mean lad... totally meant lad... but yeah... cause nothing says don't mess with this Bob-fearing American blogger like crying blood at someone. Especially while wearing a My Little Ponies t-shit... to confuse them... all sexy like...

If I got a pet centipede that big... would it sweat cyanide? I'd think it would have to up the ante a bit... you know, to fight off those predatory ninja polar bears that are after the Coca-Cola piss. Because every knows that's where Coca-Cola comes from... from the black aquatic centipede... always... Maybe they sweat something like napalm... that would be cool... all BACK OFF BITCH I'M ON FIRE like... that would be really cool...

And in other news... this is the last time I wash vanilla wafers dipped in peanut butter down with a glass of sangria while watching a re-run interview with James Carville... since I seem to do that so often... and it never ends in world peace... yeah...

Pancakes... muthafocker

Friday, July 14, 2006

"Where did you come from, where did you go?"

So... I ain't been bloggin' much about movies have I?

Well... I've been seeing 'em... just not bloggin' much. There are a lot of reasons for this.

For one, a certain hat-wearing fellow dragged me into a very fantastic situation. Not necessarily fantastic in the sense that it was a great or rather good experience... though it would probably be fitting for if it isn't in fact too BIZZARO for even their ilk. We've sorta been trying to decide if it should be told and if so then whom would be best to tell it since it is a twisted marriage of topics that both of us blog about. Hopefully it will never surface and it can remain a story for late night campfire fat-chewing.

Another reason is the overwhelming desire to commit seppuku upon learning of the American remake of my all time favorite film ever... SEVEN SAMURAI.

What's that you say? You want to know what the big deal is? Haven't there been two previous remakes made in the US of A?

Yes... but let us look at these two remakes...

First you have The Magnificent Seven. Note this is a complete re-imagining of Seven Samurai through a cultural lens. Not all that different from Kurosawa's own re-imaginings of numerous Shakespearian dramas. In both cases the original is acknowledge but the film has the respect not to pretend to be its former. This was my problem with the Dawn of the Dead Remake. All around kickass film with a few flaws... the only REAL problem with it is that it's called "Dawn of the Dead" when it clearly is not that film. Magnificent Seven, being a western with cowboys and guns would have been silly to call Seven Samurai... but I think the logic still holds. Much like Kurosawa's The Bad Sleep Well, Thrown of Blood, and Ran all are respectable reinterpretations of Hamlet, Macbeth and King Lear. They apply the story to their culture without any illusions, making them more than remakes. Plus... Magnificent Seven is a kickass film, even if inferior to Seven Samurai.

The other may not be so obvious... Though The 13th Warrior is based off the story Eaters of the Dead you can't deny how blatantly it rips off Seven Samurai's plot. If someone objects, reasonably bringing up Beowulf, I'll break it down shot for shot as best I can recall but for now just watch the two films back to back and then say I'm full of shit. They are very similar you'll have to agree. Anyway, besides less character development the story is once again drastically reinterpreted and re-titled. Pretty entertaining as well... So again, all good!

For those of you that thought my second film was going to be Samurai 7, that's from Japan and is a mini-series. Still even that seems respectable (though I admit I have not seen it yet). In this case it is reinterpreted into the medium of anime and thus reinterpreted though its own cultural and mythological (Steampunk) lens. All around no complaint here... unless it turns out that the series sucks.

The word "reinterpretation" is spun a lot in Hollywood studios these days to try an excuse the inexcusable percentage of remakes that have been cranked out. Remake is practically a dirty word these days. And for good reason. Most of them seem to have no love for the original. They look at classics as broken down piles of scrap iron that need to be replaced by plastic toys. But you see... I don't want toys. I want a rusty steel pick up of a movie. The kind with character and the ability to crunch your big Swedish pump hunk of plastic on wheels like a soda can. Don't you dare try and pass one of those purple jacked up jokes for a 54 Chevy. Just because I can to the Arnold peck dance of HURRRCULEEEESS... doesn't mean I go into a gym and pose me French-Irish Gorilla ass like I'm Hanz and Franz!

That's why Seven Samurai remake is pissing me off. Seven Samurai is one of the least broke films I've ever seen. It's a masterpiece that sure as shit don't smell like daffodils absolutely does NOT need fixing.

Fortunately, it looks like this was one of those rumors that got out of hand and hopefully will never come to pass. I like George Clooney, but I'm pretty sure Ocean's 7-Eleven Samurai would actually result in my committing of seppuku.

There were lots of other personal reasons and what not as well. But a big reason whay I haven't been bloggin' movies has been that I've had a lot of misadventures... and Seven Samurai remake rumor really did put me into a funk with film as a whole.

I'll try and elaborate on those film misadventures tomorrow or sometime soon. For now I think I'm gonna curl up with a film or a book or something and call it a night. It's been a long day, and I'm beat.


PS. Reinterpretation...

What? I just figured I hadn't said the word "reinterpretation" enough in this entry. So I thought I's say "reinterpretation" one more time. That's all.

PPS. No that fantastic situation has nothing to do with getting opossums drunk and taking pornographic pictures of them for a new rural gentlemen's magazine that I am most certainly not affiliated with.

PPPS. Did you know Evis Costello's album Imperial Bedroom was originally going to be called P.S. I Love You? Well... it was!

PPPPPS. Remember when Leisure Suit Larry didn't suck?