The Neosamurai85 Show

Goodbye Stan

2008-06-18T13:33:00.001-04:00

Oh... hello...

2007-01-18T22:29:00.000-05:00

You know, the book of Job really would have been a more interesting read with Trogdor in it.

Not much happening... and by that I mean a lot is happening...

2006-09-14T00:49:00.000-04:00

Sorry the blog has been dead. Probably will be for a bit more. I've noticed a few people still poking around so I'll try and whip ya folks up some funny down the road.

Till then...

Peace.

DAMMIT!!!

2006-07-29T21:51:00.000-04:00

Q: You know what sucks more than a paper cut?

A: A cardboard cut.

Q: You know what sucks more than a cardboard cut?

A: A cardboard cut under your fingernail!

And thus... I have assembled the new carpet cleaner.

Peace.

Geekdom really must be in the air.

2006-07-29T18:24:00.000-04:00

Every time I sit down and hit a few keys I come across (old or new) something geektastic in the wild world of blogging.

So for those of you that need more of the Dark Night in your life. Just checked up on Archie Levine's blog and it looks like he's got a little something for ya!

Reading this... two questions arise.

1: Who would Osama be? Or Kim for that matter?

2: Though Archie don't live in the C of Ville, what ever happened to C-ville News' Blog Carnival? I miss not having to do all the legwork myself!

Peace.

Awsum... toe-tally awsum!

2006-07-29T16:55:00.000-04:00

Aw Keith... me and the opossums... we be a-swooned like spoon full of moony loony!

The world needs more 7 min. handclap solos... and songs about/featuring opossums.

Rock on man!

Speaking of old games...

2006-07-27T17:12:00.000-04:00

The tale of the E.T. Atari game is a classic among gamers and 80s geeks alike, but for those that have not heard of what befell the Titanic of games, Steve Whitaker has a lesson for ya.

Blog Entry # 42!

2006-07-27T16:51:00.000-04:00

I still have yet to master the art of leaping...

and missing the ground.

In the mean time...

Peace.

Adventures In Stupid Advertising: Don't Think About Purple Elephants!

2006-07-26T01:00:00.000-04:00

Anyone seen that Air Wick ad with the purple elephant that's married to a centipede?

Yeah... you see this is what must have happened to the writers of 70s/80s children's programming. They took too much acid and for some reason... now people believe it's ok to give them jobs writing ads for air fresheners.

I mean really... how do you sanctify that shit?

Lord knows I'm an open-minded guy... but elephant centipede whoopee... is kinda wild. That's the sort of shit that would make William S. Burroughs have to step out in the hall. Ya dig? Cray-a-zay... What kind of children do you get outta that? Is that where Salad Fingers comes from?

Are there adoption programs for that kind of union? I guess as long as they ain't gay it will fly in Virginia.

These are the kinds of important issues we need to talk about people! Hot wild elephante slinky action... I mean centipede action... although... hmmm... maybe I should write a crazy drug novel with some wild slinky sex to shock the censors... yeah... what do you think of that Mr. Lee? HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM MAGGOTS?!?!?

Seriously though. What do elephants and centipedes have to do with air fresheners? I mean I get it: centipedes have a lot of feet for lots of stankay shoes... and elephants have big noses... but why married? And where can I get a centipede THAT BIG? The pet store tried to sell me a millipede the size of my fuck you finger (cuz what's the deal with "middle" finger? Every other finger has a real name! So what? The taxi finger not good enough to have a REAL name? The viva New York finger not posh enough for you.... You... finger namers!!! (Better than "Pinky" I guess)), but I after I found out it sweat cyanide when it's frightened I decided that wasn't the more laid back kinda pet I was looking for. I mean when were they going to tell me it sweat cyanide? And why can't I sweat cyanide? Are there certain fruits and veggies I need to eat? If I eat those chaps from Veggie Tales... then can I sweat cyanide? I could sick the opossums on them... yes... my babies... I mean I really want to sweat cyanide! I mean... that would be badass! That and cry blood like those horny toad things I saw on the discovery channel at 2AM when I was a wee lass... I mean lad... totally meant lad... but yeah... cause nothing says don't mess with this Bob-fearing American blogger like crying blood at someone. Especially while wearing a My Little Ponies t-shit... to confuse them... all sexy like...

If I got a pet centipede that big... would it sweat cyanide? I'd think it would have to up the ante a bit... you know, to fight off those predatory ninja polar bears that are after the Coca-Cola piss. Because every knows that's where Coca-Cola comes from... from the black aquatic centipede... always... Maybe they sweat something like napalm... that would be cool... all BACK OFF BITCH I'M ON FIRE like... that would be really cool...

And in other news... this is the last time I wash vanilla wafers dipped in peanut butter down with a glass of sangria while watching a re-run interview with James Carville... since I seem to do that so often... and it never ends in world peace... yeah...

Pancakes... muthafocker

"Where did you come from, where did you go?"

2006-07-14T22:40:00.000-04:00

So... I ain't been bloggin' much about movies have I?

Well... I've been seeing 'em... just not bloggin' much. There are a lot of reasons for this.

For one, a certain hat-wearing fellow dragged me into a very fantastic situation. Not necessarily fantastic in the sense that it was a great or rather good experience... though it would probably be fitting for rathergood.com if it isn't in fact too BIZZARO for even their ilk. We've sorta been trying to decide if it should be told and if so then whom would be best to tell it since it is a twisted marriage of topics that both of us blog about. Hopefully it will never surface and it can remain a story for late night campfire fat-chewing.

Another reason is the overwhelming desire to commit seppuku upon learning of the American remake of my all time favorite film ever... SEVEN SAMURAI.

What's that you say? You want to know what the big deal is? Haven't there been two previous remakes made in the US of A?

Yes... but let us look at these two remakes...

First you have The Magnificent Seven. Note this is a complete re-imagining of Seven Samurai through a cultural lens. Not all that different from Kurosawa's own re-imaginings of numerous Shakespearian dramas. In both cases the original is acknowledge but the film has the respect not to pretend to be its former. This was my problem with the Dawn of the Dead Remake. All around kickass film with a few flaws... the only REAL problem with it is that it's called "Dawn of the Dead" when it clearly is not that film. Magnificent Seven, being a western with cowboys and guns would have been silly to call Seven Samurai... but I think the logic still holds. Much like Kurosawa's The Bad Sleep Well, Thrown of Blood, and Ran all are respectable reinterpretations of Hamlet, Macbeth and King Lear. They apply the story to their culture without any illusions, making them more than remakes. Plus... Magnificent Seven is a kickass film, even if inferior to Seven Samurai.

The other may not be so obvious... Though The 13th Warrior is based off the story Eaters of the Dead you can't deny how blatantly it rips off Seven Samurai's plot. If someone objects, reasonably bringing up Beowulf, I'll break it down shot for shot as best I can recall but for now just watch the two films back to back and then say I'm full of shit. They are very similar you'll have to agree. Anyway, besides less character development the story is once again drastically reinterpreted and re-titled. Pretty entertaining as well... So again, all good!

For those of you that thought my second film was going to be Samurai 7, that's from Japan and is a mini-series. Still even that seems respectable (though I admit I have not seen it yet). In this case it is reinterpreted into the medium of anime and thus reinterpreted though its own cultural and mythological (Steampunk) lens. All around no complaint here... unless it turns out that the series sucks.

The word "reinterpretation" is spun a lot in Hollywood studios these days to try an excuse the inexcusable percentage of remakes that have been cranked out. Remake is practically a dirty word these days. And for good reason. Most of them seem to have no love for the original. They look at classics as broken down piles of scrap iron that need to be replaced by plastic toys. But you see... I don't want toys. I want a rusty steel pick up of a movie. The kind with character and the ability to crunch your big Swedish pump hunk of plastic on wheels like a soda can. Don't you dare try and pass one of those purple jacked up jokes for a 54 Chevy. Just because I can to the Arnold peck dance of HURRRCULEEEESS... doesn't mean I go into a gym and pose me French-Irish Gorilla ass like I'm Hanz and Franz!

That's why Seven Samurai remake is pissing me off. Seven Samurai is one of the least broke films I've ever seen. It's a masterpiece that sure as shit don't smell like daffodils absolutely does NOT need fixing.

Fortunately, it looks like this was one of those rumors that got out of hand and hopefully will never come to pass. I like George Clooney, but I'm pretty sure Ocean's 7-Eleven Samurai would actually result in my committing of seppuku.

There were lots of other personal reasons and what not as well. But a big reason whay I haven't been bloggin' movies has been that I've had a lot of misadventures... and Seven Samurai remake rumor really did put me into a funk with film as a whole.

I'll try and elaborate on those film misadventures tomorrow or sometime soon. For now I think I'm gonna curl up with a film or a book or something and call it a night. It's been a long day, and I'm beat.

Later.

PS. Reinterpretation...

What? I just figured I hadn't said the word "reinterpretation" enough in this entry. So I thought I's say "reinterpretation" one more time. That's all.

PPS. No that fantastic situation has nothing to do with getting opossums drunk and taking pornographic pictures of them for a new rural gentlemen's magazine that I am most certainly not affiliated with.

PPPS. Did you know Evis Costello's album Imperial Bedroom was originally going to be called P.S. I Love You? Well... it was!

PPPPPS. Remember when Leisure Suit Larry didn't suck?

I feel a great disturbance,,,

2006-07-10T21:20:00.000-04:00

...as if something very evil has been let loose upon the world.

In other news... I need more Geoffrey Rush as a pirate action in my life.

Might as well throw in my ten cents on Pat Robinson's Jesusade

2006-05-30T20:32:00.000-04:00

Well... Tim and Waldo have already covered this.

So all I really have to add is that Pat and Steven Segal need to have a cage match... in the THUNDERDOME! The battle of the ages to see who has the best snake oil energy drink.

I'm not sure who would win actually. I mean, Pat might have High Fructose Christ syrup, but does he have the ASIAN EXPERIENCE?

Now if only Pat would start up a blues band...

You know... this is got me thinking. If the Glimmer Man and Pat Robyourson can have health drinks... I SHOULD START ONE TOO!

I'll call it Opossom-UP.

The idea behind it will be that you'll live forever... only look dead. Sorta like White Lightning or a zombie potion. I wonder if the sushi guy at Asian Buffet can hook me up with a little puffer venom...

I actually do hope Pat bottles his magic juice. The ads could be priceless. I wonder which catchy slogan they'll have.

I think "Jesusade... is it in you?" would probably be too Quaker for him. Although "savor the flavor of the savior" might be acceptible. They should target county youths, hanging out in the sticks all day. Those kids are sure to need a cool refreshing can of the Lord as part of their balanced trinity. Pat could never go wrong with, "to make a hot day nice, have an Iced Christ." It could tie in real nice with that rumored Captain America movie as well. Maybe they could have Captain American and Bible Man team up against the evil heathen hippy health drinks.

Ok... I'm done. I just wish Pat would be too. I poke Jesus in the ribs to make people luagh. He does it for money. Linus needs to wet-towel-whip that man's ass. Problem is he'd probably like it.

Peace.

Thoughts on Final Fantasy VII Part 2: Advent Children: THE MOVIE...

2006-05-30T01:45:00.000-04:00

Can you keep a secret? Back in the day... I was a hardcore lightweight RPG gamer. That's a strange thing to call one's self I know. Might seem like a joke, but I'm serious. I call myself that because I know what a hardcore RPG gamer is. I had lots of friends of varying degrees of dedication and/or flat out addiction, and I know I'm not up to snuff. That said, I love old school RPGs. I love the epic scale, the strategy, the narrative and character development. A good RPG is like a good soap opera, it's a guilty pleasure and that's half the allure: the sheer amazement that you have been drawn into caring about a cluster of pixels that by today's graphical standards would hardly be fit to make up a freckle on the face of their all too real character renderings. I played a few of them and helped out friends with a lot more. I still own the original Nintendo version of Final Fantasy among many others like Breath of Fire. I call myself a light weight because I couldn't find it in me to dedicate the HOURS it took to beat many of these games myself, often teaming up with friends who could knock out a game in a three to six weeks. (I've spread some games out over the span of several years.) Still, I can talk about obscure things like how the original Final Fantasy might be in a similar if not the same world as Dragon Warrior because in one of the towns, you can find Edward's gravestone. Edward being an important figure in Dragon Warrior, whose various possessions such as his sword and armor are the best in the game. I also know that anyone looking for a really fantastic RPG that's been all but forgotten need look no further than the wonderful but tragic Lufia series... unless you hate puzzles with the same passion that I do.

I also own Ultima... the original... with the BASIC drawn 3D caves... and the rocket ship... yeah.

Ok... so I hope I've established my gaming cred. This is supposed to be a film review of sorts and I haven't even mentioned the game - I mean movie that it's about yet. I'm sure a lot of the above doesn't even make a lick of sense to non-gamers, or maybe it does. An RPG is a Role Playing Game for those not in the know, and though that can apply to a lot of things...

Tell you what... I'll do a proper geek-out on RPG gaming later. Too much time has been wasted rambling. Let's get to the movie.

I'm sure I've sacred a lot of people away already. Ya probably wondering if there are six movies already made that you missed. Have they all been straight-to-video after Final Fantasy: Sprit Within or something?

Well... let me explain. (WARNING: more geeky gamer speak, but relevant this time.)

Final Fantasy was in fact originally a game back in the day. It still is so I hear. They're working on part XII right now. The title (which is in a contest with The Never Ending Story for most silly... and winning) comes from the fact that it was an all or nothing deal. If the game flopped, the company would go under. With each following game the attitude held true (even if the situation wasn't quite so) and the games have thus been the kings of the hill, almost always being at the forefront of the genre. Aside from this, each game has been different. Until recently with Final Fantasy X2 the games never were direct sequels. Some things carried over like giant chickens you could ride around on called Chocobos, Airships and a chacater calld Cid. Think of the sequels as being Lord of the Rings meets Sliders. Actually the games seem to have probably drawn some influence form the original Ulitma with its mix of technology in a fantasy environment. (Ulitma is generally believed to be the first computer game of the RPG genre.)

The movie Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within was a continuation of this idea of pushing technology to the limit. The underlying themes and essence of Final Fantasy is there, but it's the furthest departure from the original themes.

So hopefully that clears up that you don't have to worry about any other Final Fantasy titles to appreciate Advent Children. It's a world of its own. Although there is still the question of weather you need to have played Final Fantasy VII, which this is a cinematic sequel to, in order to understand what is going on. Let's hold off on that for the moment.

If you want a plot summery go somewhere else. I'm lazy, and if you have put up with reading this long you are probably of the ilk that need not a summery from me. Let's get down to the nit picking.

The first thing I had a problem with are the villains in this go around. I'm sorry but I have no patience for this Bishonen stuff. A villain needs to evoke something from me to be a good villain. I need it to either scare me, make me believe they are a dangerous SOB, or they need to engage me in some other way, like leave me morally troubled about how my beliefs relate to theirs. Something, ANYTHING! These three "Remnants" do nothing for me. They are wimpy sissy boys. They don't even evoke a real sadistic streak like some sissy boys can. They ain't even super intellectual sissy boys. They're just sissy boys right out of some day dreaming 16-year old girl's sketchbook. They're a bigger threat to the catwalk than the world. The biggest problem with this for most fans will probably be the fact that they know well what the Remnants are not living up to... Sephiroth. That guy was a badass mother. The villian of FFVII, he was cold, evil, and killed people... with a sword so long it would give Pyramid Head a boner. (Actually a lot of swords in FFVII would probably give Pyramid Head a Boner... but one thing at a time.) He had his drama moments, but he weren't no sissy boy.

There is some reason behind the Remnants. As their name suggests, they are not normal humans, but the remains of Sephiroth. They are in a sense children. Having existed for only two years, their childish qualities are with reason... but that doesn't really make it all ok. The characters are still underdeveloped on a script level, and behave like obnoxious Japanese super models. Too much is implied weakly where some more time alone with them would help. Some of the dialog in this is painful beyond words. I'm really not clear what age demographic they were going for.

Along with the pretty boy villains with cliché Japanese villain poses, I noticed a lot that was very dissatisfying... the monsters. WHERE THE HECK ARE THE MOSNTERS? This is FINAL FANTASY! I want monsters out of the wazoo! There are only two kinds in this film and frankly that ain't enough. There should have at least been five... AT LEAST. There weren't even Chocobos, and dagnabit I want me some hot Chocobo riding action! That's the only reason to make a sequel to Final Fantasy VII. The game was perfectly conclusive. So give me some high rendered bird riding! But no... not even a feather. Also the whole film takes place in a rather isolated area, no globe spanning here. We only get a little airship action near the end and that's just the cavalry arriving. Not much sailing the high clouds on this outing. Which would be another reason to revisit one of these classics.

So do you need to know the original game? I'd say it would help a lot. They do explain a bit, but overall this is a film for fans. There is little help offered for those in the dark as to who the cool guy in red is or what the hell is up with that cat thing with a crown on its head riding that other cat thing. They just assume you know all these cool characters that show up out of nowhere and never really bother to flesh them out.

Biggest pet peeve of all... the goddamn little girl. They always have to have obnoxious kids around to ruin a perfectly good sci-fi fantasy film, and boy did they give Jar-jar a run for his money this time. This little girl is so annoying... much violence I came to wish upon her.... She is also done more photo-realistic for some reason. I like how they chose not to go the Spirits Within rout on this film and kept the characters more fantasy-like in design, but this whiny little brat sticks out as almost photo real from a mile away, and her color pallet never seems to match up with the environment around her. She looks like she was pasted in from another movie!

This film has Tokyo pop smeared all over it. There is no real Final Fantasy drama. Those little 16-bit pixels from back in the day had more depth and originality to there performances than any of this shit. And the Godzilla-esque showdown at the ending is completely cheapened by the half-ass illogical decision made by all the other fighters NOT to help Cloud (da Hero) fight the super-evil bad guy to the death. I watched it three times hoping I missed some shard of reasoning... but the closest I found was that they had all gotten weak (though not weak enough to do some fine ass kicking just a few minutes ago) and if anything Cloud was stronger now... so having all six, or however many of them there were, help gang up one guy... when many of them had guns and the one guy didn't... would be a bad idea... so they should let Cloud fight him ALONE... even though this ONE GUY has a box that if he opens will turn him into Sephiroth... making the world a very shitty place to be in...

Yeah... that makes sense...

And the list goes on and on. The problem with Final Fantasy is that it is EPIC. To do it right, you have to make it Peter Jackson scale EPIC... times three!

So now to feebly attempt to say nice things about it.

Ok, there are some nice things to be said actually. Cloud's Sword(s) is crazy cool. I mean... this ain't the big hunk of metal from the game. This thing is like a mega-ultra Power Ranger from back in the day when Power Rangers were Mighty Morphine... I mean Morphin.... This sword is a bunch of swords that interlock into a big one but can be taken apart for all kinds of coolness. The way they are held in Clouds new supped up bike... I ain't seen a bike that sexy since Akira!

Then there is the fighting... it's sick. Perhaps will give you motion sickness though. No really... it's like they saw the mob fight from Matrix: Reloaded and said... Pansies. But much like that fight, as insanely cool as much of it is... there is no weight to it. No umph. It's all CGI and in a fantasy world that don't give a damn about physics. After a while, you don't feel any drama with the blows...

Still... some of the most insane fighting you'll ever see...

Also... much like Godzilla: Final Wars, I was left scratching my as to why there was so much Kung Fu Fighting. You go to Godzilla to see men in rubber suits stomp model cities, and you go to Final Fantasy for epic plots, melodrama, using magic, shooting guns (if you're of the post VI gaming generation) and fighting monsters. Sword duels are obviously expected and some martial art brawling is more than welcome... but this movie is saturated in them. They are pretty damn cool and I'm not saying cut any of them... but give me monsters and magic! Give me FANTASY!

As mindless fun, this film has a world of cool fights. They are shallow, but very cool looking. I love the Final Fantasy games and don't feel this does them justice. I liked Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within and feel that as radical a deviation from the gamming norm as it was, it was miles closer in sprit to Final Fantasy than this film.

Still, for mindless fun... ain't too bad.

I saw THE ICE HARVEST last night...

2006-05-27T23:38:00.000-04:00

... and I fucking loved it!

If that statement bothers you, then like most of the films I review, you probably should not watch it. Because this film has one thing to say about things you shouldn't say, and that's fuck ya'all! Cause it's going to say whatever the fuck it wants to and show you whatever the fuck it wants to and it's not going to give a fuck what you think about it!

I had no idea Wichita had so many strip clubs...

Get the point? It's R for a reason.

Normally that attitude does not work for me. I "got" Team America and what they were doing, and honestly... I don't give a flip. (*GASP!* He said FLIP!) I really didn't like the film. The idea that if you take a piss on everyone, then your not really pissing on anyone may have some logic to it in the strange realm of political correctness and satire, but I left that film with wet shoes that smelled funny. Not the funny that makes you laugh either. It was the funny like kitten ass and the Florida visitor center. I have enough trouble with general foot stank. I don't need that on top of it.

The Ice Harvest isn't a satire though. It's not using that safety blanket word. It's Harold Ramis cutting the shit. He's not making a warm fuzzy safe comedy like the Bedazzled remake this time out. This is Harold's dark side... and if there's any tongue in this film's cheek, it's very likely to slither out of a bullet hole in its face.

If I were going to compare Ice Harvest to two films, they would be Casablanca and Pulp Fiction. It's similar to the latter, only it's a single story, has none of the cartooney bits and made it more substance and less style. (The film does have style though.) It's a strange film that can make you laugh at situations like someone putting a bullet in a wife's head and the husband being indifferent about it.

One of the things that makes Casablanca so easy to watch over and over is the layered quality that came out of the number of very different and talented writers that worked on it. There's a bit of that in Ice Harvest as well... only... there was only one writer behind this baby, and that's Dr. Spengler himself! This is one of the best films he's written since Groundhog Day, yet like nothing he's ever done before. It goes from shockingly coarse, to tear wrenchingly hilarious, to very effectively suspenseful and gruesome to flat-out one of the best noir films since Twilight.

Everybody in this is top notch with arguably the exception of Connie Nielsen. She's the femme fatale and she's a little to blatant about it. I'll give her credit for her transformation since I didn't even recognize her in this, but it felt out of place. It would be like Darth Vader wearing a T-shirt that says "I banged a senitor, fathered Luke Skywalker, joined the darkside, fell into lava helping take over the galaxy and all I got for it was a shiny helmet and this damn shirt!" all the way through episodes IV and V and expecting the audience to gasp when he says, "Luke... I AM YOUR FATHER." The film is perfectly laid out; Connienison just needs to take off that damn shirt... uh... I mean play her character less obviously... yeah...

(What? I'm off the single wagon. The geek-sequenced leisure suit has been returned to the subterranean phone booth!)

Either way. Even if the femme fatale backstab can be seen coming a mile away... it's handled so well I'm going to put it up there with Criss Cross as one of my favorite backstab noir moments.

John Cusack does good stuff here. I'm a die hard of his bleeding heart trench-coat films. It's like The Cure, or Woody Allen: either you hate'em for doing the same thing a hundred times or you love'em for it. That said, this is more somewhere between Cusack's performances in the The Jack Bull and Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. By the near end we might see Cusack give the darkest performance of his career though. However you want to tag it, I liked him in this. Everyone's a son of a bitch in this film, and he's a real lovable bastard.

Randy Quaid is back with avengence. I love him when he plays evil. I know I've said my peace already, but dag nabbit he was fantastic in Brokeback Moutain! I want more Evil Randy. (No, no. None of that watered down crap like he pulled in FLOOD a.k.a. Hard Rain a.k.a. Morgan Freeman gets to play with guns.) In the last few years he's really learned how to scare the shit out of me, and though he's hamming it up a tad in this, he's still giving a taste of the good stuff.

Old Billy Bob is still one of those guys you got to just throw your tabloids out the window, shut the heck up, and admit is a damn good artist. He's a good writer, a good actor with range, and in stuff like this, he has the good sense not to be a movie star and try to steal every scene he's in. His antics with "THE TRUNK are hilarious, but throughout the film he plays his character on its rung. For that, I've got to give him respect. Really adds depth when everyone is doing their job well without worrying about upstaging. The layered effect might make this a very re-watchable film. Time will tell though.

Last but not least... Move over Jack Black... you had your Cusack humping fun, but Olivier Platt is here to show you how a real diva plays it! If you find The Platt funny... this film will make you laugh till it hurts. If you don't find The Platt funny... this film will make you laugh even harder. This is his masterpiece. His shining moment. This is hands down the funniest shit I've ever seen him do. I had trouble breathing, and the tears have not come from my eyes so profusely thanks to a film since Shadowlands... only these were da happy ha-ha kind and Shadowlands were the "Bambi's mom is... WAHHHH!" kind. Platt is great in this. He's never been so shameless... and it's never worked so well.

What more to add? Hmmm... I really loved this film! Not much more to say. I don't want to spoil a bit of it. I just want to whore myself out to the cause and hope that this movie gets a lot of attention. It totally slipped past my radar. Walked right past it for four sweeps at the rental. Then finally I grabbed it.

I sat down with perhaps all the wrong members of my family to watch a film with this much stripper action and foul language, and by the end we were laughing, cheering, and even talking about buying it. How many movies can you say that about?

Mr. Ramis... this new direction for you... good stuff. Hope we get more. I love me some noir and this is tasty, tasty stuff.

Wait... wasn't this a film review blog?

2006-05-26T01:21:00.000-04:00

Yeah... I know. I've kinda been rambling like a mad man with the opossums in me pantalones... as opposed to rabling like a mad man... with the opossums in me pantalones... yeah.

I've been trying to figure out how I feel about this blog and its future. I've been busy devouring movies from my back log... I've been distracted by good things, bad things, ugly things, and few really wonderful things happening in me life. I've been busy with the work. I've been busy with the lazy. And many, many other things... But I'll try with time to get busy with the blog again.

The show shall go on!

For now... I shall chew on all the above, and pine for this fallen comrade.

Peace.

Brokeback Kelly... When Terrorists Penetrate DEEP!

2006-05-16T08:47:00.000-04:00

Howdy folks! Been awhile I know. I made a pilgrimage to Suffolk Virginia only to discover, to my great disappointment, that I'd misheard the boasts that it is the "penis capital of the world." What was actually said was, "it's the peanut capital of the world." I guess with the window down and the Berry White blasting... it just got twisted on its way to my ear. This really did bum me out. I thought I'd found the perfect setting for Brokeback Mountain 2: The Evening Star. Sadly, the place was just rows and rows of salty nuts. Though they were fun to suck on, bought a couple bags for the road.

But anyway... I'm digressing. There is important late breaking news hot of the presses from several days ago that I must report to you. It seems that the Department of Homeland Security has discovered a new threat to America. One more treacherous than Kim Joug-il, more plushie than Saddam Hussein, and more... um... not tall than Osama bin Laden! Forget the avian flu, never mind the sex trade and immigration issues and put aside those piercing debates over which new game consol is going to rock the others trousers off. THIS IS NOT A TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER! For we have a real threat upon us right now. We've got Richard Kelly. No, not the Who Wants to be a Millionaire dude and the gal that replaced Kathie Lee "I eat babies for Christmas" Gifford. (Though I'd agree, the latter in particular is more dangerous than a syringe of rancid mayonnaise between your toes.) No, I'm talking about Richard "Donnie Darko" Kelly! Now... anyone who saw his director's cut of Donnie Darko, is already aware that we are dealing with a dangerously unstable person. A person who is reckless enough to think trusting Tony "I'm a midlife crisis that makes Oliver Stone look GOOD!" Scott with a script! (Domino... anyone?)

Apparently, Homeland is investigating Richard Kelly as a possible terrorist because there is a guy named James Kelly on their terrorist list. That's about the best I could dig up. I Googled him and got several sites saying the same thing over and over. That makes me think this might just be a false rumor spreading across the web. The story seems a little odd. Especially under the current climate. The fact that some speculation about this being over his new film Southland Tales and its comments on post 9/11 Homeland Security procedures almost makes me want to yell "publicity stunt!" Still, we are living in an age where films that criticize do actually get some flak. Most notably, the documentary This Film Has Not Yet Rated, which looks at the MPAA and how films get rated. It critiques the rating system... so they gave it an NC-17 rating to ensure it would not get a large release... and Blockbuster. So it's not impossible, but still not likely.

I really hope this isn't real. I mean, sure, it would totally kick ass if Steve Earl got to write Richard Kelly Blues and stir up the sedition fearing rightwing. It could be the biggest scandal since... well... R. Kelly! But the fact is all that juiciness ain't gonna get squeezed. Look at Richard Kelly's Donnie Darko fallowing... If someone puts him under the guillotine... we're gonna get another Green Day album. That's the kinda thing that makes the baby Jesus cry the big anime tears. Nobody wants that. So I'm hoping it's a joke.

Oh and before I get mobbed about Donnie Darko being the greatest film of all time... I love the film. The so called "director's cut" is what pissed me off. It's kinda like how star wars fans got pissed with the special editions and shit. If anyone is really going to lose sleep over this, I'll try and break it down some time down the road.

Also... I have not written a review of Brokeback Mountain... but seeing as I'm looking to write the straight-to-DVD sequel, it can be safely assumed that I did see the film. There are a lot of reasons I have yet to get around to it, mostly the same reasons I haven't gotten around to reviewing anything in a while, but the big one is I didn't have anything to add. All those reviews that say it amazing and great and stuff... they're right. That's all. It's a really fucking good movie. Don't care how you feel about gay people. The movie is GOOD. I'm a feminist (and a satirist, so quit laughing!) and that didn't stop me from LOVE-ING Hustle and Flow. Why? Because it's an amazing movie. I love how old these films feel. Not dated. I mean, that feeling when you watch a film like Get Carter and you see that look on Michel Caine's face when he watches the porno his little niece was in, tears rolling down his eyes. (Much ass kicking follows this scene by the way. It wasn't directed by Todd Solondz after all.) You see, scenes like that... you get this feeling in your gut. You can't help but mumble... they don't make them like that anymore. But lately they've come mighty damn close. These last couple years have produced a hell of a of a lot of damn good movies. You just have to look for them.

Anyway, all I could add about Brokeback, is that making a movie about gay cowboys and trying to avoid it being seen as a "gay cowboy movie" is hard, so it's probably not wise to name one of the characters JACK TWIST. That's asking for a buttload of dumb jokes. Oddly I seem to be the only person on the web that caught it. Everyone has been busy cracking on the name of the film.

"Huh-huh. Brokeback Mounting!"

"Yeah, yeah. Huh-huh... More like Smoke Crack Spouting!"

Ok, again I'm probably the only one that got THAT creative. Most of them were too dirt dumb to mention and I think you get the point.

Speaking of dumb. Everyone who thought Brokeback wouldn't make any money. Yeah... kinda dumb there. You have two of the hottest young men in Hollywood... potentially getting it on. If it were Salma Heyak and Scarlet Johansson... no one would be talking... they'd be too busy with the old JACK TWIST. Girls like da hot gay love too (though I must admit Ang seriously let them down in that department.)

The thing that struck me most about the Brokeback though, is that Randy Quaid gave perhaps the performance of his career... and nobody even noticed. That pissed me off. Rock on Randy. Ang... you need to give this man more solid work.

Well... that's it. Hope we don't get anymore Green Day albums. The opossums have spoken!

Peace.

Have you talked to your saplings about sex?

2006-05-01T23:22:00.000-04:00

Somewhere in the world, this conversation has to have gone down. Probably some stoned couple on a futon watching Evil Dead. The girlfriend in the Invader Zim shirt is all like... "Well, the least that redneck demon tree could do is wear a condom!"

And then it starts. The long philosophical ponderings of Ent spawn... and naturally, the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases.

Forget crabs! THE TERMITES MAN! THE TERMITES!

But of coarse... that could never happen...

Or... could it?

So remember kids. You get the urge to hug a tree... always make sure you know that tree's history, and make sure you wear protection. Don't let this happen to you!

Peace.

Correction...

2006-04-21T10:38:00.000-04:00

So... Swearing in Front of Children is not dead... it's very alive. You see this is why I should not go webcomic hunting at 3 AM. I think I saw the copyright of the comic (2005) and mistook it for the date of the last comic posted. that's what I'm guessing anyway. Lack of sleep does strange things to people. Sorry Kevin.

Peace.

Adventures In Stupid Advertising: Visitor Cusack

2006-04-18T19:43:00.000-04:00

You know... watching these semi-new U.S. Cellular commercials, I have to wonder if somewhere in the world, Whitley Strieber is sitting back watching TV too, and he sees Joan Cusack (who I swear has had some kind of plastic surgery done... I'm thinking she got the Botox. Yah...) and he totally freaks out.

"THE VISITORS ARE BACK! AND THEY'RE IN MY TV NOW!"

I expect him to announce his next book on the subject any day. It will be called The Master of the Clicker!

Tony Scot will jump all over it and drag Christopher Walken into yet another bad movie. The editing will be cracked out to the point that it makes ADD kids' heads hurt... to represent channel surfing. And he'll use Orbital for the soundtrack... to keep it up to date with the cool kids.

You know... Walken should stay away from that man.

I wonder if Joan has received a script for Toys 2. They won't need to give her any makeup this time around.

Sing it with me:

Ooo, ahh... ooo-ahh...

Peace.

Adventures In Stupid Advertising: You've Lost That Loving Feeling?

2006-04-15T02:14:00.000-04:00

So I was up watching some TV since the storm kept the computers off. When an "Ask your doctor about..." commercial came on. It was for some new drug with a name that sounded like a foxy dominatrix from some kinky Quentin Tarantino Blaxploitation revival film that fell through the cracks in the long list of films he's announced recently... but is never actually going to make. It had a V in it, I recall. V like Velveeta, with more sass and less shells and cheese. I think it had a Ventura quality as well, but again more sass and less Steve Martin wannabe with a silly pompadour. I'm not sure what the name was anymore, but it screamed V for very sore balls in the morning. Now, considering that the drug was for people with diabetic induced erectile dysfunction... maybe some brown sugar in furs is a good advertising move. Personally, if I were having some trouble getting it up, I don't think Grace Jones and a riding crop would be my particular cup of tea though. But hey, different strokes for different folks, right?

But let us (the opossums and I) put all that aside. It is not the name of this elusive drug that I found idiotically funny. It was the logo...

To the left of the platform shoe wearing V name... was a flame. A slow burning flame. Because when life's got you down... you really want a burning sensation?

Boob: No, no! It supposed to be romantic... to get you in the mood! It's supposed to evoke images of candlelight.

Me: The mood? Bah! I see that little flame and it evokes images of guys with cold sores wincing at the urinal. It's bad I tell you! Bad!

This is going up there with the time they showed that commercial for Nads hair removal cream and followed it up with a commercial for a skin irritant soother.

Peace.

PS: I had considered referring to the V drug as the Vrug... but that sounded dirty and I don't approve of dirty things...

PPS: Happy Rabbit on a Stick Day. Can you still get patriot baskets from Wall-mart? I was really disappointed to find the grenade eggs weren't live last time I went in there on this fine holiday that suffers from no sense of identity crisis whatsoever.

PPPS: Yes, I know Rabbit on a Stick Day is actually sunday, but A: I probably won't be on here to wish happiness then (or again for another month) and B: it most certainly is Rabbit on a Stick Day in my BIZZARRO time zone of doom!

PPPPS: Yes, I also know that PS's are for letters, not blog entries. I just don't care.

Silly Rabbit...

2006-03-27T00:27:00.000-05:00

Man... what a great webcomic. I really hope this comes back to life. Looks like it hasn't been updated since last year. The acid style really works for me. I WANT MORE WAKING LIFE-ESQUE TRASH TALKING RABBIT ACTION!!!

Please?

Midnight Macabre is back!

2006-03-23T00:40:00.000-05:00

The NOT prequel to Something Positive has returned from the grave...

This news... it make me... how you say... with the fuzzy in the insides.

In other news... I just read one of the funniest 8-bit Theater episodes ever.

It's amzing when you stop and realize Brian is inducing so much comedy with only a few pixels that make up Blue Mage's face.

One of the stranger webcomics I've read of late

2006-03-22T00:30:00.000-05:00

I just found http://lickmyjesus.com/ on the web...

Sweet... sweet pancakes... of dingo spice!

So wrong... like the poking of the guinea pig to make the squealy sound...

Funny joke (for those who've played Final Fantasy... and probably for those that have not.)

2006-03-18T22:42:00.000-05:00

8-bit theater is one of the six or so webcomics read quite often. It's been around for a few years now and has been pretty consistent without somehow beating a dead horse... maybe an undead horse or two... and an overfed hamster... but not a real live dead horse! Uh... I mean... yeah.

That said evey comic has it's slow spots. I'm not sure if I'd say it's been having one recently. Perhaps more of a paced spot. It's not been crawling along, that's for sure. Perhaps a trot. Yes... an undead trot... with one leg sort of... offish. But I couldn't complain. It's been rather loverly. But this last issue really put the bolts in the neck and turned up the juice.

That there is a fine issue of 8-bit Theater. Gave me a bit of the old ha ha's and the the jigglies... not too happy about the jigglies though. Gonna have to have a talk about that. But the ha ha's were fine and dandy. Like a dandylion!

Good writing there Brian!

Viva la stabby!

Peace.

New Silent Hill Pic Online

2006-03-09T01:39:00.000-05:00

As we near the release date of this sick puppy. I will go into more detail about why I love Silent Hill so much. Until then I just want to drop this image on anyone who doubts that this will not only be the first very good adaptation of a video game to film, but also one of the best horror films to come out in years. Just... feast your eyes on this twisted, twisted bag of crazy skinned ginnie pigs and broken glass... ON FIRE!!!

I'm going to pretend this is why I haven't written that damn review of Hostel yet...

Peace.

MY PANTS HAVE SCIENCE!!!

2006-03-06T18:46:00.000-05:00

I got a new pair of pants and put them on today and I found these little rubber teeth things around the waist that look like zipper teeth only they are not zipper teeth and they are made of rubber but come to think of it rubber zippers would be pretty cool. Think of all the poor fools out there that have been scarred for life by hasty zip-ups on their junk. A rubber zipper might prevent that. At least it would be soft... and it wouldn't rust. But yeah, (a comma?) the teeth go around my waist like the teeth of a mother crocodile gently gumming its young in the safe haven of its lethal jaws... with SCIENCE!

And that is all I have to say about the Oscars.

Peace.

Butternut Squash is back!

2006-02-11T01:15:00.000-05:00

Yay!

It's been a long wait, but the webcomic that reminds you to look before you shove your hand into a gift box is back up and running!

Peace.

Um... about Hustle & Flow...

2006-02-08T20:10:00.000-05:00

You know how I said all those things before....

Yeah... um... well... it's actually really good. Maybe not Taxi Driver good... but that's the kind of film that comes to mind. It's that humanity in bad people kind of thing. Right to the end (keep in mind who said "everybody's got to have a dream." and think about what that might say about DJay) I don't like the guy, but Terrence Howard is acting his heart out. Oscar nod indeed. The script is like Narc, in that it takes a genre I really don't care a lot about (at least lately) and makes me pay attention.

DJ Qualls might never get work this streight again. Which is sad because He's a pretty good at being more than just a striking face to make fun of. And shit... they got a good performance out of Anthony Anderson! How on earth is that possible?!?!?

My mind is compleatly blown. Dogs and cat's living togeather... four horsemen... new wallpaper... beeeelooooown.

I love watching Taryn Manning and Taraji P. Henson flesh out the prostetutes. Henson was great in Baby Boy and after this I hope she gets more big name work in the future. (Speaking of Narc, she's got a small role in Joe Carnahan's new film Smokin' Aces to look out for!) Manning is now on my radar. Really solid work. I love her scene behind the pawn shop, and... every other scene she's in!

"So class, what have we learned today?"

"In John Singleton we trust."

"Good. Now go have your snacks and juice."

"Yay!"

Seriously though. Singleton produced the film and paid for it out of his own wallet. That has got to say something about it. AND IT HAS ISAAC HAYES!

So yeah... I was wrong. It happens. Sorry Craig Brewer. I guess I've got to go see Black Snake Moan now... Damn...

Peace.

I am without words...

2006-02-05T18:31:00.000-05:00

My brain is perfectly cool with time having geometry...

But this is like being fishslapped by a giant talking pinktoe tarantula named Jesus McRaincheck!

Peace.

Mom... can I keep it?

2006-01-31T19:03:00.000-05:00

I will call him Gooby. He will live in my pool.

Damn you Milholland... DAMN YOU...

2006-01-30T00:06:00.000-05:00

You had to go and make me cry the big man tears.

Grrrrr.

No... Friday the 13th didn't get me... much...

2006-01-21T21:19:00.000-05:00

Collage and life have put a big halt on the previous crazy pace of output from me. In the spirit of Romero the next chapter in my zombie rant series is going to be put on hold for a while. Also on the way are thoughts on the very kickass Le Samourai and the very... well... hostile film, Hostel. More opossums and a few shrews as a poor man's substitute are also sure to follow!

So... yeah... I ain't dead... just... mostly dead...

Peace.

P.S. Hello, my name is Neosamurai85... and I'm a recovering linkaholic.

Feeling Lucky?

2006-01-13T14:57:00.000-05:00

Friday the 13th was never a bad time for me growing up. It was actually a holiday I looked forward to, because I knew some station would be running a horror movie marathon of Friday the 13th flicks late into the night and some other station would probably counter it with some other horror movie because they could not get their spear guns, axes, machetes, and other mittens on the those 80's parables against young premarital sex. These were good times. Staying up late after the parents had gone to bed to watch the movies that I had looked at the boxes of so many times at the movie rental and been denied. On a good night I'd get paralyzed with fear until the sun came up. I miss that feeling. These days you can only get it when there is something bad happening. Being scared used to be fun. Even if it was the darker meat on the rotisserie chicken of my imagination, there was always something nice about that feeling of magic. That belief that boogiemen existed, and dragons were but a broomstick away from being slain while I wore a towel for a cape. It was also the thrill that you weren't supposed to watch something. That someone had told me I was too young to watch it. Yet, could anyone at 18 or 20 feel the wonder and terror that I did at 9? Movies don't make you hide under the covers when you're old enough to watch them. At least they don't make me.

Awhile back I picked up The Crystal Lake Box Set, which contains all of the original 8 films that Paramount Pictures produced, and indeed Mr. King... "the thrill is gone!" Now they are all just stupid slasher films... arguably the lowest rung on the ladder of horror sub-genres. In fairness the Fist is still quite good and the sequels are scattered with moments for prospectors to sift through. Perhaps I'll pay attention to the calendar and write up a break down of all of them next time around. For now I'm just basking in some twisted nostalgia. Some people look back fondly at all the horrible junk food they enjoyed as kids... I look back at the horrible movies... and how much fun they were.

Peace.

Web Comics Are Getting BIG!

2006-01-13T00:22:00.000-05:00

For about a year and a half now I've been trying to preach the gospel to friends and the online geek world that as we run out of movies to remake (and remake again) and TV shows, books, plays and graphic novels/comics to adapt for the big screen, that the new territory to be charted is going to be web comics... and now that I have a blog of my own, to hell with them! Uh, the webnews sites that is... not my firends... I still like those people. :)

Well, I believe the first steps towards Andy Serkis' Oscar-winning (and physically crippling) performance as Choo Choo Bare were made when Elsie Hooper creator Robert D. Krzykowski began work on adapting his comic into a major motion picture. He has been working on it for a few years now and is still in the early pre-production stages. Last I checked he is still working through drafts of the script to get it right. I'll try and report more on this as it progresses.

Another big step for web comics in general got quite a bit of online press when R.K. Milholland was able to raise enough money to quite his job and work on comics exclusively for a year.

He also scored the first official live action film adaptation thanks to some of his fans.

More near the end of last year, he also discovered that his fan base for his main comic Something Positive was a tad larger than he thought:

"This site gets an average of 124,000 unique visitors a week apparently - and 318,000 unique visitors a month."

So all that's nothing new... but two days ago this broke just barely under my radar.

Least I Could Do (the funniest sexist thing since Leisure Suit Larry 2... other than perhaps the great Glen Quagmire) has announced a pilot episode in the works. It will be professionally done and used to try and snag a station for a full on animated series. Also the pilot will be avaleble for free at leasticoulddo.com!

Though this has Spike TV written all over it... may they drift into the loving arms of Adult Swim where they belong. Seriously, I strive a lot towards the ideals of feminism, and even I find it hilarious. It's just got that twinkle in its eye that will make fans of the great Al Lowe smile.

So things are happening in web comic land. I think this is great since it really opens the doors for independent artists out there to find their readers without the constraints of geography or... The Man! So I've got to ask... what next? Will some bastard spawn of David Lynch and Darren Aronofsky come along and make Paper Eleven into this next generation's Eraserhead or Tetsuo: The Iron Man? I sure hope so!

Peace.

Behold... a childhood wet dream come true...

2006-01-11T00:44:00.000-05:00

The Devastator Rubber Band Gun #A1125

Oh my god...

This is just...

Well... This is just sexy on stilts! This is the sexiest thing I've seen since Joe's Mac and Cheese pic. I mean the fact that I come upon this tonight, after having a strange urge all day to play Doom 2 in between black and white French films... an urge that I satisfied immensely I might add... is just... It's like some horoscope telling me I need to get in touch with my chainsaw wielding sock monkey loving inner child!

To hell with ya fancy ballzooka! We going Amish all up in this bitch!

Say "sock monkey" ten times fast!

Mwahaha! Ah ha-ha AH ha, ha, ha... hOk I'm done.

Damn opossums...

Peace.

George Romero did not "invent" the zombie genre.

2006-01-10T11:58:00.000-05:00

Note: Since this is part two of a sort of trilogy of Zombie articles that I'm writing, I'm going to ease up on the linking of films and people I have already covered this go around.

Though many Romero fans have for years given him credit as the creator of the zombie genre, this movement really geared up when trying to sell the latest installment of his series, Land of The Dead. In a sense it was true. The zombie revival consisted entirely of films influenced by his work. Many even reused concepts from his films besides the basic zombie rules. 28 Days Later may not have been a "true zombie film" seeing as it dealt with an epidemic of a disease that caused savage rage and not the undead, but Romero used a similar theme in his follow up to Night of The Living Dead, The Crazies (1973). Also, 28 Days borrowed greatly from the original dead trilogy. Best example being the tensions at the military base and the captured zombie that they feed. These feel like the screenwriter must have left Day of the Dead on in the background while writing. Even the train wreck House of the Dead tried to buy itself fan-cred by featuring a Randy exposition to give praise to the "Holy Trinity." The least Romero-based zombie movie of the new wave is Undead. The mild success of that movie was not because of quality, but because of zombie fans support for the independent underdog, and an exceptional level of originality in concept that was missing from its peers. Still even Undead bows to its roots with headshots to kill zombies among other more subtle nods.

Still, Romero did not invent the genre. Zombie movies predate his by decades. Among the essential classics are White Zombie (1932), I Walked with a Zombie (1943) and Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959). Romero's Night of the Living Dead was only made in 1968. These earlier zombie films commonly dealt with more traditional zombies, as in those made by the practice of voodoo. (Plan 9 being an exception with its alien involvement, which may have been an influence on Undead.) It should also be pointed out that Romero's original never used the word "zombie." He has pointed out himself that had set out to make a film about a kind of undead ghouls. It was not until the indirect sequel, Dawn of the Dead (1978), that the Z word got dropped. Night offered no definite explanation for why the dead were rising, and Romero had intended more possible explanations besides the mysterious comet tail's radiation. Dawn of the Dead was the first time voodoo was a suggested possibility in his series.

Along with many previous films existing there is the fact that Night was not particularly original in some respects. He has cited the vampire classic I Am Legend as a major influence, but I have never (perhaps for good reason) heard any comment made about the far too under-appreciated adaptation of the novel starring Vincent Price, The Last Man on Earth (1964). Though this film is supposed to be about vampires, they bare a strong resemblance to Romero's brand of zombies. For one, they are a mass epidemic started by air-born virus. Before it eventually takes over civilization, the bodies of the infected are incinerated. All the classic vampire weapons (garlic, crucifixes, mirrors, sunlight and stakes) are used, but the trade make lumbering of Romero's zombies is totally there. The scenes of them pounding against the walls of the house, trying to get to the narrator (Price) are the most obvious element borrowed by Romero. Even the twist ending evokes similar reactions.

SPOILER ALERT!

At the end of Last Man on Earth we discover that the vampires have actually made a kind of organized underground civilization and that the narrator is considered a savage butcher for hunting them. Incidentally, we discover that the reason has survived the plague is because he is immune. Unfortunately he is killed before you can cure them. At the end of Night of the Living Dead, the only survivor of the original group (a black man in the 60s) is seen through a window by a zombie hunting party and shot dead, mistaken for one of them. As the credits rise we see photos of the undead being burned and meat hooks that evoke a question of humanity that is further questioned throughout the series. In his latest sequel, Land of the Dead goes so far as to suggest that maybe we are the problem, not them.

END OF SPOILER

Throughout the late 50s into the 60s there was a growing movement towards films where the monster was not a single beast but masses of people or humanoid vessels under the control of a force. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) used this theme best to convey a feeling of alienation. The protagonist is pursued as an outsider, a rebel, by the legions of zombie like pod people. This use of horror as a medium for subtle cultural satire is very present in Night and is often looked at as Romero's calling card that separates him from the other zombie filmmakers, the idea that you can visually express a feeling that will resonate with the audience without making a grand statement. When that feeling is a fear or anxiety, you're dealing with the essence of great horror. His masterpiece of this form was Dawn, with its masses of zombies ambling around in a super mall. His style of substance over cheap scares has best been mirrored recently with the homage Shaun of the Dead and more seriously in the French film They Came Back.

I mean no disrespect to Romero with all of this, nor do I mean to lessen his importance as a figure in horror and the zombie sub-genre. He is hands-down the most important zombie filmmaker out there. His early films had substance that is seldom seen in similar exploitative horror. He is the most imitated director of the sub-genre. Rare is the zombie film that does not steal from him. The only pure film I can think of is West Craven's The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988) (Craven's most underrated if not best film), which returned to the roots of zombie horror in Haiti and looked at the actual art of voodoo zombification as Wade Davis described it in his book of the same name.

I feel the best way to look at Romero's role is to compare him to George Waggner and Curt Siodmak, the director and writer of The Wolf Man (1941). There were many films about werewolves made prior to the Lon Chaney Jr. lead classic, but it was this film that set the rules that are now household knowledge. The Wolf Man was the film to stress silver as the way to kill a werewolf, to make presence of gypsies such a common theme. It is the film that has most shaped the genre over the years and been borrowed from, but it's not the first. Romero has done the same thing, he has made the classic zombie film. Nothing before had perhaps been so dark and violent in the genre as when we first saw the little girl in Night of the Living Dead stabbing her mother with a spade and the ghouls devouring the remains of two victims pulled from a car accident. He pushed the gore to European levels, and shaped the zombie into a man-eater that spreads its plague by bite and can only be killed by trauma to the brain.

I feel it is a disservice to underrate a great filmmaker, but also, I feel it is a great disservice to overrate one and that that disservice is actually to the filmmaker.
Peace.

Ok, maybe it's not so bad...

2006-01-09T18:19:00.000-05:00

Three months ago I saw the website for the new Caligari film. Up to that point I had been very curious, since this is perhaps one of my top ten favorite horror movies of all time. When I saw the site I was left with the impression that they were pulling a Survivor's Cut. I was outraged. When I ranted about it in my last article, I was running mostly off that old rage.

But now, I can't find that website for the film and everywhere I go describes it as a new film and not just added scenes to "improve" the old one. As I pointed out before, they used the backgrounds from the original and shot the actors in green screen. That seems pretty lazy to me. It also reeks of potential Sky Captain cheese.

Anyway, since I can't find anything to back my previous accusations and complaints, I hereby retract them. Sorry.

Peace.

Wow... They sure do love beating undead horses!

2006-01-08T13:29:00.000-05:00

So I was pretty tired and trying to get my last article done when I came across these...

Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis

Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave

Just... wow... that is some kind of monkey raping rodent poo in your fruit cellar dwelling grandma's linen drawer level of crazy there. Oh, and they were both released in 2005!

I mean... I could ponder if they simply didn't learn from House of the Dead that nobody likes raver zombies... but... wow...

The same thing has happened with the Hellraiser series. These really crappy straight to rental sequels that have little to nothing to do with the classics. I think the last Hellraiser used a FeardotCom's concept... so you know that had to be good.

DVDs and the subsequent downloading movement has been a real double edged sword for horror. On one hand they have made it easy to distribute old obscure classics that fans used to only be able to see if their cousin in Texas made them a VHS copy of his that was recorded over his little sister's She-Ra tapes. It also makes it a lot easier for independent filmmakers to make their art accessible. I just wish they would leave stuff like this alone. In the end, I guess it's worth it... cause now I own a nice copy of Carnival of Souls and Cabinet of Doctor Caligari!

Speaking of which... that brings up another pet peeve of mine.

There seems to be a little movement of late to take old horror classics and, not remake them... but actually alter the original with new footage! And some people are looking at this as an improvement!

The big two that have come to my attention are the 30th Aniversery Night of the Living Dead: Survivor's Cut, and this ultimate act of blasphemy... a revisioning of Cabinet of Doctor Caligari!

For those not familiar with the silent classic, Cabinet is considered the first cult horror film. It is also considered the first intelligent horror film. Those twist endings in M. Night films and Fight Club that everyone used to go on and on about... yeah, the Germans were doing that in the 1920s!

Look, I'm very sketchy about remakes. I love some but hate most. Still, if you want to make a homage to one of your favorite horror films. Go ahead! Make it! Doing so tends to open up a market to re-release (often with nice remastering jobs and goodies) the original, exposing it to a new generation. JUST DON'T GO BACK AND BUTCHER THE CLASSIC! It sickens me that when I go on IMDB to look up Night of the Living Dead it shows Dean Lachiusa name next to George A. Romero's as if he actually co-directed the classic. No, what Dean Lachiusa did was cut out whole scenes and replace them with stuff he shot, add color to parts and imply that he could do a better job then Romero. That's in my book is plain old disrespect. No two ways about it.

I've got to go clean up some fried banana now.

Peace.

Return of the Night of the Living Zombi?

2006-01-08T00:42:00.000-05:00

I really thought when I started this blog that there would be much more ranting about horror movies. I imagine there will be as time progresses. Who knows, maybe even something non-film related might be down the road. Anyway, here's a step in that direction.

For the most part I think we have come to the end or at least past the peek of the zombie revival. Perhaps that is not fair to say since there are sequels in various stages of production for House of the Dead and 28 Days Later. Also Tobe Hooper, of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre fame, has a new film called Mortuary hitting very select theaters January 13. I should probably mention as well that Romero is working on another Dead film, but since he has almost as hard a time making a movie as Terry Gilliam, I tend to not keep my hopes up until the film has actually wrapped and is halfway through editing. Still, after seeing Undead, one can't help but feel that at least the first wave hit it's watermark.

During the revival many old fans of the zombie genre got to relish in seeing a breath of fresh air from the teen slasher wave that Wes Craven's Scream unleashed on us. There is a zombie movie being made somewhere in the world every minute, but how often can you get a decent one? They were not all perfect by any means, but most of these big zombie flicks were certainly better than what your little brother who discovered Suicide Girls and corn syrup was cooking up. It was a nice time to be an Undead Head. For the new blood though, I imagine it was tricky. For example: Shaun of the Dead was a very loose parody of a film made in the 70's that was a sequel to a film made in the late 60's, and it came out at the same time that that film from the 70's was also being remade and the third sequel in that original series was also on its way. That's almost as much h o m e w o r k as you have to do to be cool in your local punk scene. (Though not enough to like, totally be anything but a poser...)

As beginners try to go back and see all the roots of the genre, or at least all the films related to "The Holy Trinity," they find out it only gets more confusing. Between remakes, spin-offs, and similar titles, it's not strange even for the average horror buff to get lost. So, here's an attempt to clear this mess up for anyone trying to sink their teeth into the Living Dead films.

Romero's Holy Trinity
Night of the Living Dead (1968), Dawn of the Dead (1878) and Day of the Dead (1985)

These are the three major films of the genre. They are a loose trilogy written and directed by George A. Romero. Many of the major rules and image of zombies were first defined in this series. For this reason a lot of people credit Romero for inventing the zombie genre. I disagree with this claim but will save that for another entry. Either way, any horror geek worth their salt has seen all three... or at least the first two. Land of the Dead (2005) was the fourth film in his series, though many fans have choose to look at it as seperate film. This is mostly due to it not living up to the last three in their eyes.

There have been remakes to Night (1990) and Dawn (2004) and some talk of remaking Day. Sometimes there is confusion between the original Night and its remake due to both usually featuring Romero's name on the cover. Romero produced the Night remake; it was directed by his friend and occasional effects man (he did the make-up and gore effects for Dawn and Day) Tom Savini. Additional confusion might also occur for people looking for the black and white classic, do to the colorized version s of the original that was released a while back. I recommend seeing the original in black and white one. (Oh, and you might want to avoid Dean Lachiusa's bastard edition known as Survivor's Cut LIKE A PILE OF DEAD BIRDS!) Colorizing classics is right up there with clubbing baby seals. Only baby seal clubbing can be funny and colorization cannot.

Dawn of the Dead 2?: The Zombie Flesh-Eaters Series.

When Dawn of the Dead was released in Italy it was entitled Zombi. Wanting to cash in on the film's success, an Italian zombie film (that's script had been completed prior to Dawn's release) directed by Lucio Fulci was entitled Zombi 2 (1979). Beyond the title there is little similarity between the two films. The notable similarity being that in Zombi 2 the zombies were created by voodoo, and the famous line from Dawn, "when there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth" comes from one of the main characters quoting his uncle, a voodoo priest. Though this is a weak comparison to make since real zombies originate from voodoo... it's like saying two werewolf movies are related because both use full moons. Zombi 2 does follow Romero's rules established in Night. Another recent addition to the confusion (and a nice nod to the fans I might add) is that at the end of the Dawn of the Dead remake there is a homage made to Zombi 2, linking the two series once again.

Zombi 2 is one of the all time classics of Italian horror and its Zombie sub-genre. It's infamous for its gore and immortalized by the Shark vs. Zombie scene. The film has spawned several sequels that have continued the off order of numbers. Zombi 3 was only co-directed by Lucio before leaving the series. He would make another undead film, City of the Living Dead, but it bore no relation to the Zombi series. In trying to keep up with the order of the Zombi films beyond Zombi 3... good luck. Even I can't really sort out that bag of three-headed snakes!

Night of the Living Dead 2?: The Return of the Living Dead Series.

The concept behind this film (written and directed by Dan O'Bannon) was that the film Night of the Living Dead was based on an actual event. George Romero was inspired by a top-secret military experiment that went wrong. Return rewrites Romero's rules, twisting the significance of brains from being the only way (by destroying them... "shoot 'em in the head!") to kill a zombie, into that which the zombies hunger for. As far as I can tell from conversations with other horror geeks, Return of the Living Dead was the first to have brain-eating zombies. Later sequels (there are four that exist so far) ceased to refer to Romero's classic.

It's also become popular to try and cash in on the Romero classics by titling third-rate zombie films "____ of the Living Dead." Though these may or may not imply some relation, they are not official entrees into Romero's mythology.

Ok, I hope that helps anyone lost. I'm feeling a bit of a zombie groove so I imagine there will be at least two more zombie articles not far down the road.

Peace.

Damn Fellini wannabes...

2006-01-05T13:27:00.000-05:00

I recently saw two films of the semi-autobiographical genre best established by Fellini's 8 1/2. One of these films was a painful train wreck that I wanted to be good but could barely even make it through, the other was an hour and a half of me laughing about as hard as most movies can hope to make me laugh.

Let's get the pain over with first.

Dario Argento has established himself as one of the all time greats of Italian horror. Suspira stands up their with The Mask of Satan (a.k.a. Black Sunday) and Zombi 2 (often called Zombi in the states) as one of the most well know by Americans. He is considered by some (I have not seen enough to have a set opinion) the master of the Giallo genre. He married Daria Nicolodi, who is a respectable actor. His father Salvatore Argento was a film producer who made many of his films until he died in 1987. I've left a few names out, but the point is: the Argento family has been pretty big in the Italian movie industry.

So it wasn't like Dario and Daria's daughters Fiore and Asia Argento had any pressure on them or anything... nope... none at all. No built-in fan base with preconceived expectations here.

Asia got a lot of attention from Americans (who weren't already fans of her dad) with her role in XXX opposite Vin Diesel. She really does strike me as a talented actress and I sincerely look forward to seeing her in Sofia Coppola's upcoming film Marie-Antoinette...

...but Scarlet Diva, Aisa's directorial debut, is a film I really can't give much love to. I want to. God I really do, but it's an amateurish mess! The film tell the story of Anna, the "saddest girl in the world," as she aspires to become a director and give up acting in the apparently cruel and thankless Italian film industry all while longing for the lead of an Australian rock band that she had a one night stand with. Drug problems, various ghosts of her dead brother, cruel mother, and the abusive/sadomasochistic relationship her best friend is having are all scattered about the film for Anna to tackle along the way.

The film starts out weakened by the poor acting of the extras and too-cheap camcorder look. It is dangerous to overlook casting small roles like this. Big budget Hollywood crews with cinematographers and top-notch sound editors can do a lot to hide poorly executed one-liner roles. This is mostly done by distracting the viewer away from them. If you don't have those luxuries, than you need to pay attention to the details. A digital camera will show every one of them with highlighter and neon signs. To make matters worse, these short roles are often those of fans (notable the dinner scene) and interviewers that harass her. This is really dangerous territory to muck up. Even Fellini can't escape the pretentious nature of the genre. If you make a film about yourself... you'll be damn lucky if all you end up doing is looking self-absorbed. If it weren't for the jarringly explicit sexual introduction, a lot of the opening would have evoked memories of my masochistic (only explanation I can fathom in retrospect) viewings of... well... anything Kelly Osborn did on Mtv.

(I know... Ouch...)

On the DVD Asia explains that the overall story is largely autobiographical, but that it had to be made more extreme and that that is largely where the blur between fact and fiction in it lies. I've got to disagree with her there. My second problem with this film is just how abusive it is to the viewer. I lost count of how many people try to rape Anna. I think there were four times (one implied while she was unconscious from a drug overdose) but it all becomes a blur. It's kind of like the last fifth of the film Demonlover... only the abuse is stretched out for nearly half the running time! I just got to a point where all the overdosing, rape and surrealist nightmares (when I complain about too many surrealist nightmares... that's a bad sign...) were too much. I really wanted the film to slow down and breathe. This was almost like watching an adaptation of Hubert Shelby Jr.'s story The Queen is Dead from his novel Last Exit To Brooklyn. It's not that I can't take hardcore brutal films. I've defended Irreversible many a time in my life as being one of the most powerful and moving films I've ever seen... (I was pretty outraged when a review board in Australia tried to ban it.) Oh, and I've read lots of Hubert Shelby Jr. I rest my case. The problem is that Scarlet Diva almost hides behind the abuse. The Violin in Psycho is a classic element of suspense, but imagine how suspenseful a film that seems to play that constantly would be? Asia seems to just wallow in saying LOOK AT ME! I'M A WHORE! I'll take a ride with a film through hell and back... just please make sure there's a payoff. Theses kinds of films are the worse to copout on, and I felt the ending to this did it in a real big way.

Now, there were interesting scenes in this. As I said, I did want to like this film. The moments where we are granted stillness left me wanting more. Give us more time where she is alone in her apartment doing mundane things like shaving her armpits. Give us more conversations with her gay friend who's thinking of giving up acting to be a gigolo. Drop some of the crazy sexual encounters like the lesbian on the couch scene. There is a good film in there somewhere. The nightmares were all solid ideas simply executed in to haphazard a fashion. If at any time a little money should have been splurged it should have been there. If there wasn't any money, than she should have utilized what she had to work with better. Nothing can ruin a gorilla film faster than ambition beyond means.

I have yet to see any other directing efforts by Asia Argento, but with time I will try to. That's the best compliment I can give this, She didn't totally scare me off from giving her another chance. One of the biggest reasons I'm ripping this film a new one is because she is so talented. She can do so much better and I just hope she learned a lot from this. I'm not sure I can take more than one more let down this big. Still, the DVD is worth looking into if you are a fan interested in learning more about her. The audio commentary and interviews are extensive and overshadow the film astronomically.

And now for the bliss...

Woody Allen's Stardust Memories has been on my to see list for a long, long time. It's probably one of his more divided films. I admit it's not his best work (light-years from his worst though) but it might actually be my favorite next to Annie Hall.

First off, this is Woody's 8 1/2. It is vastly inferior in so many respect's to Fellini's classic, and there is no getting around that. Where Stardust triumphs is not in subtle layers of bottomless depth, but in dense machine gun surface level stimuli. You can watch it over and over not so much to find deeper meaning but to catch different things that flew past you. This is Annie Hall with ADHD and then some.

I love this movie. Few films have ever come so close to me loving EVERY SINGLE SCENE as this has. Some are really beautifully shot, some are really funny, and others just tug the right strings in me. It's a scattered box of twisted smiles. My sister and her husbanded found the film horribly depressing... so I think it's probably worth mentioning that I found Eraserhead to be very funny. My sense of humor can be very twisted at times. I saw this shortly after taking Existentialism in collage. I think that helped a lot. Some of the jokes are hard to appreciate if you've not had that kind of experience, especially the one about his final exam.

As I already said, this film lacks a lot of depth in areas that have left others dissatisfied. The women of his love life are not as fleshed out or alive as those in Annie Hall and Manhattan were before it, but why should they be? Relationships between two people aren't exactly the focal point of this film. This film does not take place in reality. (There are aliens in hot air balloons for crying out loud!) We are looking through the tunnel vision of a character on the verge of breakdown. These are memories warped by one man's Rashomon effect. With the exception of his friend Tony's (played by Tony Roberts) opinion of his former love Dorrie, we get little to no outside perspective we can trust as unexaggerated. These women are enigmas because he never understood them, and in for the most part could hardly be expected to. Each is articulated to the extent of their purpose of their archetypes, and all three actors (Charlotte Rampling, Jessica Harper and Marie-Christine Barrault) perform their tasks wonderfully. That's all that should be expected of them. This is a film about Woody - I mean his character Sandy Bates - and only about him. Though it lacks his hypochondriac shtick, this is Woody at his most neurotic with no stops pulled. He's grappling with all the things that seem to weigh him down in life, from expectations as a filmmaker, relationships and family to just getting from one place to another with his shitty car and incompetent driver. A lot is left unresolved in such a way that you could say he probably was trying to juggle so many balls (or make so many women levitate I guess) that he simply for got to wrap a few up... if any of them. Though I see the flaw in leaving so much, I would have felt just as dissatisfied had this really come together as a neat package at the end. It would take too much away from the overshadowing problem he tries to reason for bother at all when all efforts in life are pointless.

Please refrain from the Seinfeld jokes, but in a very deceptive way Stardust Memories is a film about nothing. That often confuses people into thinking that it's... well... a film about nothing! Stardust is not a meaningless film though. It's just very blunt with what it has to say. Woody is an atheist. For years now he has tried to tackle the dilemmas that for him come with that view. He sees no grand reward or eternal afterlife. You live and then you die... and with time there will be no trace that you ever existed, so why bother? Most people don't like a film with that kind of question. They get angry when someone tells them that life is at best about those little moments of joy where you forget existence. No one wants a film about that! They want "all you need is love!" Still, it seems to be sincerely what Woody felt making the film. It was what he had to say. Take it or leave it, but don't say that he didn't say anything. In a lot of ways this was his first film to address that issue fiercely without patching everything up with a kiss or joke at the end. It looks like that's what's going to happen... but then he reveals that that's just the Hollywood ending. We are left with him standing alone in the theater after everyone has left. He's the lonely magician without any answers. I think he's still pushing that rock to this day.

When I try and think of American filmmakers that for better or worse brought modernism/post-modernism to the film medium, Woody reigns supreme. You look at films by directors like David Fincher, Quentin Terentino, Darren Aronofsky and Spike Jones... the influence is obvious. With Annie Hall Woody said it was ok to do whatever you wanted in and with a film. This is one of his most personal and experimental films of that spirit. He might not always conclude with the most rose-tinted view of the world, but if you are looking for some optimistic message in his work then I'd suggest this. Keep on trucking, even if the only outlook life throws at you is not cheery. Now at 70 years old, he seems to be still doing just that.

Peace.

Somewhere in the world... a singer songwriter from Texas is very, very happy.

2006-01-05T00:57:00.000-05:00

(Ok, the link works now.)

And I'm happy for him.

Peace.

Number nine... number nine... turn me off dead film... number nine...

2006-01-02T23:46:00.000-05:00

This one took some time to write. Every time I started I found I'd just keep repeating myself over and over rambling my way through it. Actually, some of the earlier drafts of this felt a lot like the movie in that respect. I still think this could use work, but the effort lacks fuel. So here is a mess about a mess.

You know I've got to say Roger Ebert more or less hit the nail on the head with his review of 9 Songs. The film really is more interesting to write and talk about than to actually watch. It's kind of like Izo in some respects, though I think I'd actually argue that that film was somehow less monotonous. (If you've seen Izo, then regardless of whether you liked it or hated it, you are well aware that it's depiction of eternal conflict is... rather testing.) 9 Songs is a handful of great ideas that are simply never fully realized. The film lacked a real script (pretty sure there wasn't one at all actually), which, in respect to the experimental intentions, the spontaneity of improvisation and authenticity of the actors performing real sex, deeply hurt the film.

I'd almost say this should have been an erotic novel, where the themes could have been explored better, but then the experience of the nine songs would have been lost. That seems like a small loss when one considers how underutilized the concert footage was. There simply wasn't enough to bridge the sex scene and the rock concerts. Under the gorilla filming conditions it would have probably been impossible to really have any dialog at the shows, but there is just so much your left wanting.

This is a film I think would be very interesting to have watched without previously reading a plot synopsis. I wonder how much I would have been able to figure out just from the images. The lengths to make sure we realize this film is not about love, but the inevitable breakdown of a relationship built completely around sexual attraction, are perhaps too great. The distance we are held from the characters is not my real peeve though. It's the distance between the ideas of the sex, the music, and the icy Antarctic that get me. The narration borders on redundant with the glaciologist's analogies between the Antarctic and relationships, but the concert footage never had that one line, one visual moment that really gave one a sealed and signed feeling of what was being done there. The whole thing felt like it could just as easily have been a con. Though if it is a con it's not hiding a porno... or at least a very good one. And in there lies the sad truth about 9 Songs. This is a very, very graphically sexual film that fails to work well on any level, even a debased one... unless perhaps you're fourteen or something.

There is a good film in this, all the ingredients are right. The acting isn't BAD. The camera work is great at times. Even the concert footage that Ebert rails on, I found very effective in making one feel there. (Though the sound was just a little too grainy at times...) Had they shot this like a concert movie it would have taken us away from Matt and Lisa's experience at the concert, which was the point of the whole thing. The ideas are all solid for making an intelligent erotic film... but the director didn't mix the batter and totally burned the cake. And that's pretty frustrating to me. If you ask your actors to perform real sex for a film, you better damn well make a movie that will reward that level of commitment. Rarely is hardcore nudity or sex not poison for an actor's career, and to me it felt like this was nearly all for nothing.

Perhaps with multiple viewings this film might win me over with the magic of subtleties, but I just don't think I have the patience or interest to give it that. If you're looking for an intelligent erotic film of this nature, check out the love letter to film that is The Dreamers... or even the flawed film The Center of The World. Both were far more rewarding for me than this.

In the end, the biggest thing I got out of 9 Songs was that I really need to check out some Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. That band rocked!

Peace.

I'm really sorry that it's so hard to be a pimp... really...

2006-01-02T22:49:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I have not seen Hustle & Flow yet, and no I'm not going to review it or anything until I do... but that's assuming that I do see it.

I just got to get this off my chest.

I understand that a lot of people think this was one of the best films of 2005. I understand that it is not some big glorification of pimps. I also have seen the documentary American Pimp if that has any relevance in all this. I understand as a film geek I probably should check it out, but I've really not been interested.

Now this is the bit that bugs me. Every time the film gets brought up in some chat room or review or whatever, they try and spoon-feed me the same reason to see it: the film shows how HARD it really is to be a pimp.

You see... I get that though. That's not my problem. I understand that it ain't all, BLING, BLING WITH PUSSY ON TAP BABY OH YEAH! I'm not the most ignorant guy in the county. I get that it's hard. My problem is simply that I really don't care about pimps! I understand how easy it is to over simplify them, but I really don't care. That's why I have yet to see the film. And until more reviews address that, they just ain't selling me to cough up five-fifty to rent it.

I will probably see it eventually. Mostly due to the fact that I hear the acting is something that deserves more attention than it's getting and because I can't help but be monkey in a yellow hat curious about Craig Brewer's next film that's sure to stir a hell of a lot of controversy.

Peace.

So uh... what year is it man?

2006-01-02T22:25:00.000-05:00

If I catch myself saying it's 1996 one more time, I'm throwing myself to the leeches! Or at least making a note to date more... there's a bad joke in there somewhere... and I'm not touching it.

So I guess I ought to blog my new years resolution(s). Well, I guess mine would have to be don't suck at Spanish 202 (or anything else in collage) and make music a more active part of my life. By "more active" I mean sing more. Either form a band or get out there with musicians. There is too much writing and shelving, and I'd like to change that. It's time to smudge some air!

So... yeah...

Hope y'all had a nice New Years. I mostly just played pool and devoured pizza, but all things considered I'd say it was pretty good.

Peace.

Bugs... stuck to my boot of DOOM!

2005-12-29T12:25:00.000-05:00

There seem to be some bugs in the system. Until I figure it out I'm not going to try editing the last post. Every time I try to fix it it seems to get more messy.

Clearly... the opossums have inflitrated the system...

Peace.

Problem Fixed!

And the moral of the story is... Microsoft Word sucks hard with tongue of yak... and don't even get me started about the pillow talk!

Peace.

The Age Old Debate of Lizard and Ape

2005-12-29T12:02:00.000-05:00

I called up a friend of mine about a week or two before Christmas to find him caught up with some friends in the age-old debate that for some reason is going on.

Who would win in a fight? Godzilla or King Kong?

How is there even a contest? I love Kong as much as you can love a big gorilla without PETA needing to intervene, but he simply would not stand a chance against the King of the Monsters in a real battle. For one, Kong is an ape. He's a very big ape, but nonetheless he's an ape. That's his power. He's big, smart and strong. I really think people have forgotten (on account of all the other superhuman monsters he's fought and the occasional comic that has some fool scaling his back) that Godzilla is... HIGHLY RADIOACTIVE! Go back to the original film. In his wake were left hundreds suffering from radiation burns. It's practically dripping from his skin. Kong be Killed just by the prolonged exposure to him. He also has been known to breath powerful blasts of nuclear fire at his opponents... though it isn't very common... I should hardly even mention it... it's only about as likely to go down as your average imported Chow Yun-Fat movie having a gunfight.

The fact is Kong has nothing against Godzilla. A couple dinky planes from World War I can bring down the ape, but the lizard has been known to sleep in the belly of a Volcano without much complaint! Still some persist let us get down to the debate factor to end all debate.

Height

Kong

Somewhere between 18 and 24 feet tall. In the original they almost doubled his height once he got to the city so that his rampage could be more devastating. He needed a boost to take on New York.

Godzilla

164.04 feet tall baby! In the original 1954 film he was 50 meters. His American height of 400 feet was apparently a translation mistake. Damn metric system... like anyone actually uses it.

Godzilla would stomp Kong's ass like Bambi in a field of daisies.

Now the heights of both have been known to vary (mostly due to budgets for building model cities) and if you want to argue my numbers above then consider this... Both original films have a train attack scene. Kong is smaller than one car on the train that he derails, while Godzilla simply picks up his train and scarves it like link sausage!

Any questions?

Q: What about the film King Kong Vs. Godzilla, where Kong defeats Godzilla?

A: *Bitchslap!*

Though it is true that the myth of a alternate ending is false, there are so many things wrong with that film... any loving fan of either lizard or ape should be ashamed of yourself for claiming that either of those two clowns are Kong and Godzilla. Godzilla is not vulnerable to lightning! I mean sure like any weapon it can hurt him in theory, but as an actual big weakness... no. The scene where they have Godzilla held back by fear of power lines is so ridiculous... it makes Son of Godzilla look intelligent!

And then there is Kong... When did he turn into Raiden? This super powers crap is particularly funny if you're aware of the earlier scripted idea for the ending of the original King Kong... where it is not fighter plains but lightning that send him flying off the empire state building. Toho Kong is just as ridiculous as GINO. The film simply does not count.

So... I hope this helps settle things. I've got to go eat some dumplings now.

Peace.

New Year's Movie Marathon

2005-12-28T20:41:00.000-05:00

Here’s an idea I haven’t thought of before… Movies to watch on New Year's Eve.

Hmmm… well let’s see… you can always go with a well-rounded double feature of American Graffiti and Strange Days…

Actually, I’m probably going to be out of town and not in a position to do much movie watching, but appropriate or not this is the kind of marathon I’m feeling the urge for this new year’s eve: a big pile of Kathryn Bigelow, Walter Hill and Alex Proyas movies. For those that are scratching their heads right now, I’m mostly talking about Bigelow and Proyas’ work in the 80s. All three directors are great at making atmospheric night films. Here are some of the ones I’m thinking of.

Kathryn Bigelow:

Strange Days.

The only new years film in this lot I think. It’s disturbing as hell for one of the more lower end cyberpunk films out there. It’s a heck of a lot better than Johnny Mnemonic though… so I should probably reconsider what company I put this in. Great cast and a script from none other than James Cameron!

Point Break.

Speaking of Neo! Admit it, this film is one of the great things about the 80s. It’s not like fessing up to liking ABBA. The film kicks ass and if you’ve seen it, you know it. Mr. Anderson should only play surfers roles… or Canadian productions of Shakespeare… like Merchant in Venice and Hamlet. “Dude… am I like… not a man?” That is all. Period.

Near Dark.

Tied with The Lost Boys as one of the best vampire movies of the 80ds (The Hunger just didn’t do it for me, though I should really give it another try). There has been a long debate about the dialog in this film. Some people say it’s the cheesiest ever written and acted EVER, the other side says it is right on the money for that period and local. I’ve know people that lived in both area and time who say she nailed it, and my money is with them. Oh, and it has half the cast from Aliens! What’s not to love?

Walter Hill:

THE WARRIORS

“Warriors… come out and play…” Avoid the new directors cut like the plague. I’ve heard stories it’s a complete muck up of a perfectly good film. A perfectly good film filled with some of the most gloriously over the top gangs to ever grace celluloid. Classic!

48 Hrs.

A little humor to the mix! Actually, you can skip this one if you want. I haven’t seen it in years and it might be too far off theme. Still… one of the best things Eddie was ever in! Right up there with the much too under appreciated Harlem Nights.

Streets of Fire

God I love this cracked out film. You could just take this and go in a totally different direction. It would be great in a marathon with Big Trouble in Little China, I Come in Peace, and Cobra! I mean… it’s a film set in some kind of hybrid decade. Part 50s and part 80s. With of all things, I crochet mallet duel for a final showdown!

Alex Proyas:

The Crow.

As Underworld 2 shows… we still have yet to recover from the onslaught of Interview With a Vampire and The Crow, but who cares! The Crow was one of the best comic book films since Dick Tracy. And Proyas is in many ways the next generation… the spawn of directors like Kathryn Bigelow and Walter Hill. He may lack that character charm that they had, but he makes up for it with worlds that tide me over just fine until Jean-Pierre Jeunet gets back in touch with his darker Marc Caro side.

Dark City.

Who needs Matrix when you can have Dark City? Yes… I’m dead serous.

The other nice thing about a marathon of these three for me is that they all have films that look really good that I have not seen. Proyas’ Spirits of the Air, Gremlins of the Clouds sounds fantastic! Walter Hill did a film called Hard Times starring Charles Bronson and James Coburn! I’ve heard good things about it, but the cast and plot summery alone have me sold. Kathryn Bigelow’s first film The Loveless helped William Dafoe on his way up the ladder. Bigelow is great at capturing the feel and culture of small areas as she’s shown with Near Dark and Point Break. I’d love to see what she did with the greaser biker scene in that film.

Other films you could throw in from outside the trio for good measure are the Bad Boys (the 1983 film starring Sean Penn that is), Judgment Night, and Escape From New York. Well… you probably ought to consider sleeping at some point during this… so we’ll leave it there.

If anyone uses this, hope ya enjoy!

Peace.

How could I possibly be unhappy with Fantastic 42?

2005-12-28T16:56:00.000-05:00

So… it’s pretty well known by now in most comic book and film geek circles that the big chimps in Hollywood are planning another Fantastic Four movie. As much as I wish I could say this is one of those Exorcist prequel scenarios where they did make a decent film but then decided to shelve it and make a shitty blockbuster with CGI hyenas rejected from Diablo 2: THE MOVIE only to then release the original in an attempt to stave back the swarm of franticly flustered seagullian marquee squawkers… I’m afraid they are just giving us a sequel… that presumably learned nothing from the first films mistakes, which is sad. I mean jeez, I’m not even a fan of the Fantastic Four comics, and just the previews to that flick poured the boil of my sack-o-kittens.

If the studios want to give us more rubber-man action, I say bring on Sky High 2! That puppy did it right. Probably the most fun I’ve had watching a silly children’s film since Cats & Dogs. If you missed it, by all means it’s worth a rent or a movie channel viewing… especially if you liked Cats & Dogs and grew up on Nickelodeon back in the day.

But isn’t Sky High basically a poor man’s Harry Potter/Incredibles hybrid? Well… yeah… But it’s a damn good poor man’s Harry Potter/Incredibles hybrid with Kurt Russell, Bruce Campbell, Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald and… Lynda Carter! The overall jokes are pretty decent and each of the before mentioned actors shine along with many of the teen actors. The restraint used in regard to CGI was a breath of fresh air. I mean it’s there, but a lot of things are done with props, which gives it a nicer feeling.

There is really something about the physical that looks fake, versus the CGI that almost looks real. It’s like with props, you’re playing make believe the way you did as a kid with plastic swords and stuff. The feeling even spills into the goofy CGI that is in Sky High. With CGI drenched films like Fantastic Four though, you feel like your being lied to by the worst poker player in the world. The props are more playful, with a few breakaway wall effects that I hope are actually incorporated into more serious action moves. The way they did the scene where they threw Steven Strait (Warren Peace) through the wall was actually pretty cool on a technical level.

Over all it’s a silly kids movie, so in that regard I imagine it won’t be the solution to many pissed off F4 fans out there, but I sure as hell enjoyed it on a slow Saturday afternoon at home.

Peace.

Howdy!

2005-12-27T21:35:00.000-05:00

So a terrible, terrible thing has happened. I have a blog it would seem. Now the world can read my ever so important opinions about all kinds of important things that are important.

Actually I’ll probably just ramble about opossums and whatever random movie pops into my head. This really is kind of a prototype to learn how to blog and figure out what I want to blog about. I expect this will turn into a movie review blog of sorts, focusing more on older films I think people should check out than necessarily what’s new. With time I’ll drop some more info about me as this takes shape.

So that’s the plan for now. It might change as time goes on, but that’s kind of how things work. We shall see when we get there. Hope someone enjoys!

Peace.