Thursday, December 29, 2005

The Age Old Debate of Lizard and Ape

I called up a friend of mine about a week or two before Christmas to find him caught up with some friends in the age-old debate that for some reason is going on.

Who would win in a fight? Godzilla or King Kong?

How is there even a contest? I love Kong as much as you can love a big gorilla without PETA needing to intervene, but he simply would not stand a chance against the King of the Monsters in a real battle. For one, Kong is an ape. He's a very big ape, but nonetheless he's an ape. That's his power. He's big, smart and strong. I really think people have forgotten (on account of all the other superhuman monsters he's fought and the occasional comic that has some fool scaling his back) that Godzilla is... HIGHLY RADIOACTIVE! Go back to the original film. In his wake were left hundreds suffering from radiation burns. It's practically dripping from his skin. Kong be Killed just by the prolonged exposure to him. He also has been known to breath powerful blasts of nuclear fire at his opponents... though it isn't very common... I should hardly even mention it... it's only about as likely to go down as your average imported Chow Yun-Fat movie having a gunfight.

The fact is Kong has nothing against Godzilla. A couple dinky planes from World War I can bring down the ape, but the lizard has been known to sleep in the belly of a Volcano without much complaint! Still some persist let us get down to the debate factor to end all debate.


Somewhere between 18 and 24 feet tall. In the original they almost doubled his height once he got to the city so that his rampage could be more devastating. He needed a boost to take on New York.


164.04 feet tall baby! In the original 1954 film he was 50 meters. His American height of 400 feet was apparently a translation mistake. Damn metric system... like anyone actually uses it.

Godzilla would stomp Kong's ass like Bambi in a field of daisies.

Now the heights of both have been known to vary (mostly due to budgets for building model cities) and if you want to argue my numbers above then consider this... Both original films have a train attack scene. Kong is smaller than one car on the train that he derails, while Godzilla simply picks up his train and scarves it like link sausage!

Any questions?

Q: What about the film King Kong Vs. Godzilla, where Kong defeats Godzilla?

A: *Bitchslap!*

Though it is true that the myth of a alternate ending is false, there are so many things wrong with that film... any loving fan of either lizard or ape should be ashamed of yourself for claiming that either of those two clowns are Kong and Godzilla. Godzilla is not vulnerable to lightning! I mean sure like any weapon it can hurt him in theory, but as an actual big weakness... no. The scene where they have Godzilla held back by fear of power lines is so ridiculous... it makes Son of Godzilla look intelligent!

And then there is Kong... When did he turn into Raiden? This super powers crap is particularly funny if you're aware of the earlier scripted idea for the ending of the original King Kong... where it is not fighter plains but lightning that send him flying off the empire state building. Toho Kong is just as ridiculous as GINO. The film simply does not count.

So... I hope this helps settle things. I've got to go eat some dumplings now.



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