Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Brokeback Kelly... When Terrorists Penetrate DEEP!

Howdy folks! Been awhile I know. I made a pilgrimage to Suffolk Virginia only to discover, to my great disappointment, that I'd misheard the boasts that it is the "penis capital of the world." What was actually said was, "it's the peanut capital of the world." I guess with the window down and the Berry White blasting... it just got twisted on its way to my ear. This really did bum me out. I thought I'd found the perfect setting for Brokeback Mountain 2: The Evening Star. Sadly, the place was just rows and rows of salty nuts. Though they were fun to suck on, bought a couple bags for the road.

But anyway... I'm digressing. There is important late breaking news hot of the presses from several days ago that I must report to you. It seems that the Department of Homeland Security has discovered a new threat to America. One more treacherous than Kim Joug-il, more plushie than Saddam Hussein, and more... um... not tall than Osama bin Laden! Forget the avian flu, never mind the sex trade and immigration issues and put aside those piercing debates over which new game consol is going to rock the others trousers off. THIS IS NOT A TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER! For we have a real threat upon us right now. We've got Richard Kelly. No, not the Who Wants to be a Millionaire dude and the gal that replaced Kathie Lee "I eat babies for Christmas" Gifford. (Though I'd agree, the latter in particular is more dangerous than a syringe of rancid mayonnaise between your toes.) No, I'm talking about Richard "Donnie Darko" Kelly! Now... anyone who saw his director's cut of Donnie Darko, is already aware that we are dealing with a dangerously unstable person. A person who is reckless enough to think trusting Tony "I'm a midlife crisis that makes Oliver Stone look GOOD!" Scott with a script! (Domino... anyone?)

Apparently, Homeland is investigating Richard Kelly as a possible terrorist because there is a guy named James Kelly on their terrorist list. That's about the best I could dig up. I Googled him and got several sites saying the same thing over and over. That makes me think this might just be a false rumor spreading across the web. The story seems a little odd. Especially under the current climate. The fact that some speculation about this being over his new film Southland Tales and its comments on post 9/11 Homeland Security procedures almost makes me want to yell "publicity stunt!" Still, we are living in an age where films that criticize do actually get some flak. Most notably, the documentary This Film Has Not Yet Rated, which looks at the MPAA and how films get rated. It critiques the rating system... so they gave it an NC-17 rating to ensure it would not get a large release... and Blockbuster. So it's not impossible, but still not likely.

I really hope this isn't real. I mean, sure, it would totally kick ass if Steve Earl got to write Richard Kelly Blues and stir up the sedition fearing rightwing. It could be the biggest scandal since... well... R. Kelly! But the fact is all that juiciness ain't gonna get squeezed. Look at Richard Kelly's Donnie Darko fallowing... If someone puts him under the guillotine... we're gonna get another Green Day album. That's the kinda thing that makes the baby Jesus cry the big anime tears. Nobody wants that. So I'm hoping it's a joke.

Oh and before I get mobbed about Donnie Darko being the greatest film of all time... I love the film. The so called "director's cut" is what pissed me off. It's kinda like how star wars fans got pissed with the special editions and shit. If anyone is really going to lose sleep over this, I'll try and break it down some time down the road.

Also... I have not written a review of Brokeback Mountain... but seeing as I'm looking to write the straight-to-DVD sequel, it can be safely assumed that I did see the film. There are a lot of reasons I have yet to get around to it, mostly the same reasons I haven't gotten around to reviewing anything in a while, but the big one is I didn't have anything to add. All those reviews that say it amazing and great and stuff... they're right. That's all. It's a really fucking good movie. Don't care how you feel about gay people. The movie is GOOD. I'm a feminist (and a satirist, so quit laughing!) and that didn't stop me from LOVE-ING Hustle and Flow. Why? Because it's an amazing movie. I love how old these films feel. Not dated. I mean, that feeling when you watch a film like Get Carter and you see that look on Michel Caine's face when he watches the porno his little niece was in, tears rolling down his eyes. (Much ass kicking follows this scene by the way. It wasn't directed by Todd Solondz after all.) You see, scenes like that... you get this feeling in your gut. You can't help but mumble... they don't make them like that anymore. But lately they've come mighty damn close. These last couple years have produced a hell of a of a lot of damn good movies. You just have to look for them.

Anyway, all I could add about Brokeback, is that making a movie about gay cowboys and trying to avoid it being seen as a "gay cowboy movie" is hard, so it's probably not wise to name one of the characters JACK TWIST. That's asking for a buttload of dumb jokes. Oddly I seem to be the only person on the web that caught it. Everyone has been busy cracking on the name of the film.

"Huh-huh. Brokeback Mounting!"

"Yeah, yeah. Huh-huh... More like Smoke Crack Spouting!"

Ok, again I'm probably the only one that got THAT creative. Most of them were too dirt dumb to mention and I think you get the point.

Speaking of dumb. Everyone who thought Brokeback wouldn't make any money. Yeah... kinda dumb there. You have two of the hottest young men in Hollywood... potentially getting it on. If it were Salma Heyak and Scarlet Johansson... no one would be talking... they'd be too busy with the old JACK TWIST. Girls like da hot gay love too (though I must admit Ang seriously let them down in that department.)

The thing that struck me most about the Brokeback though, is that Randy Quaid gave perhaps the performance of his career... and nobody even noticed. That pissed me off. Rock on Randy. Ang... you need to give this man more solid work.

Well... that's it. Hope we don't get anymore Green Day albums. The opossums have spoken!



Anonymous Tim McCormack said...

You do know that "This Film Is Not Yet Rated" is currently suing the MPAA because the MPAA made illegal copies of it? Yeah...

8:34 PM  
Blogger Neosamurai85 said...

Wow... That's gold.

8:52 PM  

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