Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Adventures In Stupid Advertising: Don't Think About Purple Elephants!

Anyone seen that Air Wick ad with the purple elephant that's married to a centipede?

Yeah... you see this is what must have happened to the writers of 70s/80s children's programming. They took too much acid and for some reason... now people believe it's ok to give them jobs writing ads for air fresheners.

I mean really... how do you sanctify that shit?

Lord knows I'm an open-minded guy... but elephant centipede whoopee... is kinda wild. That's the sort of shit that would make William S. Burroughs have to step out in the hall. Ya dig? Cray-a-zay... What kind of children do you get outta that? Is that where Salad Fingers comes from?

Are there adoption programs for that kind of union? I guess as long as they ain't gay it will fly in Virginia.

These are the kinds of important issues we need to talk about people! Hot wild elephante slinky action... I mean centipede action... although... hmmm... maybe I should write a crazy drug novel with some wild slinky sex to shock the censors... yeah... what do you think of that Mr. Lee? HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM MAGGOTS?!?!?

Seriously though. What do elephants and centipedes have to do with air fresheners? I mean I get it: centipedes have a lot of feet for lots of stankay shoes... and elephants have big noses... but why married? And where can I get a centipede THAT BIG? The pet store tried to sell me a millipede the size of my fuck you finger (cuz what's the deal with "middle" finger? Every other finger has a real name! So what? The taxi finger not good enough to have a REAL name? The viva New York finger not posh enough for you.... You... finger namers!!! (Better than "Pinky" I guess)), but I after I found out it sweat cyanide when it's frightened I decided that wasn't the more laid back kinda pet I was looking for. I mean when were they going to tell me it sweat cyanide? And why can't I sweat cyanide? Are there certain fruits and veggies I need to eat? If I eat those chaps from Veggie Tales... then can I sweat cyanide? I could sick the opossums on them... yes... my babies... I mean I really want to sweat cyanide! I mean... that would be badass! That and cry blood like those horny toad things I saw on the discovery channel at 2AM when I was a wee lass... I mean lad... totally meant lad... but yeah... cause nothing says don't mess with this Bob-fearing American blogger like crying blood at someone. Especially while wearing a My Little Ponies t-shit... to confuse them... all sexy like...

If I got a pet centipede that big... would it sweat cyanide? I'd think it would have to up the ante a bit... you know, to fight off those predatory ninja polar bears that are after the Coca-Cola piss. Because every knows that's where Coca-Cola comes from... from the black aquatic centipede... always... Maybe they sweat something like napalm... that would be cool... all BACK OFF BITCH I'M ON FIRE like... that would be really cool...

And in other news... this is the last time I wash vanilla wafers dipped in peanut butter down with a glass of sangria while watching a re-run interview with James Carville... since I seem to do that so often... and it never ends in world peace... yeah...

Pancakes... muthafocker


Blogger Tim McCormack said...

Motherfuckin' pancakes on a motherfuckin' plane!



1:20 AM  
Blogger Neosamurai85 said...

Hey! Watch ya fuckin' mouth! Can't you fucking see I'm trying to provide some nice motherfuckin' childen's entertainment?


Q: Why would Opossums On A Plane be far better than Snakes On A Plane?

A: The opossums would fly the plane with their feet... which have thumbs... because opossums rule!


10:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that ad has been shown here in australia for a while now and i just saw it tonight and they have re-voiced it so that it is now about the elephant's centipede son, not her husband

8:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think having centipede for a son is actually worse than being married to one. now that the ad implies that not only did the elephant have sex with a centipede. she also gave birth to one.

9:29 PM  
Blogger Neosamurai85 said...

True dat annonimoose!

That would be like the maggot birth from The Fly remake... only with legs... and W.S. Burroughs as the gyno instead of David Cronenberg...

If I had a hoochie... I'd be damned if I'd let some zombie-ass Burroughs go catching my poochie!

1:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let's move beyond the idiocy and the ultimately destructive nature of what can only be a doomed relationship. Let's ignore that to go straight to the device itself, which will spray air freshener every 9, 18, or 36 minutes. I have only this to say: if you find yourself needing to spray your house with air freshener every nine minutes, it's time to move. No amount of lavender vanilla is going to mask something that strong. Forget the cucumber melon, it's time to pack your things and find a house that doesn't wreak so horribly that you have to spray air freshener every nine minutes.

Disturbing items I won't go into at this point:

1. It's the ELEPHANT wife who is complaining that the CENTIPEDE husband smells. (?)

2. What's the deal with 9, 18, and 36? What kind of intervals are those? What happened to good old 10, 20, and 30?

3. The elephant wife is portrayed as the perpetually cleaning housewife. Is this still 1950? Did the Elephant Liberation Movement mean nothing?

3:19 PM  
Blogger Neosamurai85 said...

Operation Dumbo Drop 2: Fresh and Clean

Directed by Catherine Breillat

I'd watch it.

9:42 PM  

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